All good things (come to an end)

All good things (come to an end) - Nelly Furtado

They say that the only constant thing in our life is change. And this is a yet another perfect example.

After 20 months of blogging in this platform, I am packing and moving to HERE. Also, I’m inviting you to see my new baby HERE.

Hope you join me in this new journey.

Rehab

Rehab - Amy Winehouse

I never thought I’d be able to use this song as a title to any of my posts but here it is. Don’t take it literally, though. If I have an addiction that needs an intervention, it would most probably be my addiction to life. Yes, I know, it sounds lame. But it’s true. In my whole life, I’ve never felt so alive than I did this year.

Probably because I’ve never been this close to death. I’m probably exaggerating (as I am wont to do at times) but being very sick over a span of 5 months — in varying degrees, has forced me to face my mortality and re-assess my life. I underwent 2 (non-invasive but pesky nonetheless) surgical procedures to remove my gall bladder and gallstones, which went uneventfully, except for a minor complication (a secondary infection) that left me utterly frustrated, not to mention stranded in Manila for almost 6 weeks. On top of that, I almost had a fatal encounter with an errant axe-blade, which missed my head by a few inches as it fell 4 storeys from a building being constructed beside my house. This was an accident that I had absolutely no control of. My surgery(ies), meanwhile, could have been avoided.

This year I came (more like, forced by circumstances) to a decision to take concrete steps regarding my health and well-being. I decided to make healthier choices when it came to food (laying off the carbs and fatties), physical activity (getting off my butt to exercise, getting enough sleep), and lifestyle (letting the alcoholic drinks ferment by themselves), among others. True, I have backslid in the last month, but hey, behavior change is not a linear thing. I am entitled to regress a few times (not too many, I hope).

Aside from the obvious physical and psychological benefits of that decision, focusing on the physical allowed me to cope with the emotional turmoils that gripped me this year. Kept me busy and distracted enough to forget about weeping and wallowing. My relationship with a cherished individual finally ended at the start of the year. This ending was nowhere near the ending that I would have liked and wanted, but I dealt with it the best way I could. Like last year, my friendships have been dynamic this year as well. Of the 4 new friends I mentioned in last year’s post, only 1 has remained. There are actually 2 but the other has returned to Manila for good so I guess he doesn’t count.

I said last year that I was looking forward to knowing R more, and I’m glad I did. He turned out to be one of the most trustworthy people I’ve met in a long time. We don’t have a lot of things in common, but wherever applicable, we complement each other very well. I admire his grace, most of all. He can tolerate the most annoying people much better than I do. I made a lot of new friends this year: some I met through work (my Cambodian posse of pretty young men–kidding!), some through mutual friends (a gay muslim from Singapore, new members of the Filipino gay community in Phnom Penh and one straight guy), and still some through blogging (pink bloggers from Thailand, Hong Kong, Malaysia, the US, and Siem Reap). I’m actually surprised because I’ve never been really good at  making friends, shy and reserved and snobbish as I am (haha).

Speaking of new things, this year I was able to travel to places I’ve never been before: South Africa (Johannesburg), Singapore, Vietnam (Tay Ninh province), and here in my adopted country (the provinces of Kampong Thom, Stung Treng, and Kampong Speu). Re-visited Kuala Lumpur, Saigon, Manila (does this count?), Sihanoukville, and Siem Reap. New things at work included doing projects on child safety, communications programming, and pandemic preparedness among migrants aside from my ‘usual’ HIV/AIDS work.

Other new things include a new home in the middle of the year (which I will leave in ten days — more on this later), a new room-mate, a rebound boy (we’ve sort of lapsed into a friendship, though), and a semi-regular, semi-exclusive date (we’re friends, so we’re taking it very, very, very slow).

An almost-new thing was my employment at an international agency based in Kuala Lumpur, which I eventually, and politely, turned down. Said decision seems to be the right one, though, in terms of the results and consequences so far.

So there, all in all, this year has had its ups (stratospheric) and downs (catastrophic) but all things considered, I think I heart 2008 more than 2007.

And now, on the future. My astrological forecast for the year 2009:

Like its predecessor and complement, the Rat, it signifies new beginnings. The main difference is the Ox is associated with building to last and slow but sure action. Even more so than last year we all have to make good choices, as that which is begun now is likely to have long term consequences. 2009 is an Earth year. The difference is this one is yin rather than yang. It is thus likely to be less tumultuous. On a personal level, better results are more likely to be achieved by reacting to circumstances and going with the flow rather than aggressively charging forward and initiating a lot of action.

Unfortunately Earth has a destructive relationship with the Ox’s fixed element, Water. In fact this is the fourth in a run of six years governed by an unlucky conflict of elements. The combination of Earth and Ox, however, is not at all a negative combination. Its primary characteristic is durability. It suggests an environment dominated by cautious pragmatism rather than quixotic dreaming. Things will get done.

Furthermore, they will generally be successful if done in harmony with the spirit of the Earth Ox. This applies both to the type and amount of new projects as well as the approach to accomplishing them. That means focusing on just a few, long term projects. It also suggests proceeding in a cautious yet determined manner. Finally, it counsels avoiding taking unnecessary risks and yielding to the temptation to seek short term gains.

The year 2009 will be a period of lasting accomplishments. This is true for individuals, societies and the human race in general. There may be times when motivation appears to be lacking. In fact the big challenge everyone faces is to generate the enthusiasm and desire to act. Those individuals and organizations that do will create enduring benefits for themselves and the world. 

Happy new year, dear reader… May 2009 bring us the greatest and the best, along with the strength and the will to cope with the worst!

Where’s the party?

Where’s the party? - Madonna

As what happens to most of best-laid plans, I didn’t have a quiet Christmas eve. I went to have dinner with a couple of friends as planned, but we ended up at our favorite gay-friendly bar after dinner. I stayed until 11PM and went back home but instead of going back to work, I ended up in front of the television, wrapping the remaining presents I needed to give out. I slept at around 3 in the morning. I woke up early the next day to deliver said presents to my god children and friends. I went to R’s building last, and had lunch there. I hung around the house till about 3PM before I brought them to another friend’s house before heading back home and back to work.

Last night I attended a somewhat intimate dinner hosted by H, a new friend I met through E. H, a Singaporean, manages one of the most upscale restaurants here in Phnom Penh. He invited me a couple of weeks ago and I learned that he only invited around 15 people so I was very flattered to have been made part of this group. T and I went together. I momentarily lost my cool when the driver couldn’t find the darn street where the restaurant is. Good thing T was there to subdue me.

When we got to the place, I saw that it was really a wonderful colonial building. Too bad the construction going on around it was really an eyesore. A staff directed us to the rooftop, where the drinks were set up; on the way up we met a Filipino family who just arrived here and were ‘temporarily’ billeted at the Colonial Mansion - the building that housed the restaurant. Why was their temporary digs so posh? Well, because the guy works for the US State Department, imagine that!

The rooftop view was amazing. H was already there, with a couple of people I know. H immediately handed me a fluted champagne glass, the first of many I was to have that night. We were also offered marvelous canapes. H assigned one of his waiters to take photos so within an hour we have posed for enough photos to fill an album in Facebook. One by one people started coming. I was getting steadily mellow from the champagne (4) and the martinis (2) E and I took to drinking.

When the group became almost complete, we went back to the ground floor - to the poolside, to be exact, where a long table was waiting for us. T and I were assigned to sit together, which was absolutely fine by me. R, coming from an office function, was running late.

For starters, I had goat cheese salad. T had the foie gras wrapped in veal. We traded a few pieces to have a taste of both salads. I liked T’s more than mine, and vise versa. R finally arrived as the main course was served. I had roast turkey with blueberry sauce. T had rib-eye steak with bernaise sauce and R had pan-fried salmon with buerre blanc sause. Unfortunately, by this time I was quite full from the wine and the canapes so I wasn’t able to finish my food. This, however, didn’t stop me from imbibing 3 glasses of white wine.

After having dessert of warm apple pie a la mode, the group went to H2O lounge for some dancing. The lounge was nice: air-conditioned, okay music, nice, plush seating all around, clean toilets. If only the DJ didn’t talk/ scream over the microphone so much. I ordered a house specialty cocktail but I think I was served a Long Island Iced Tea. Well, it was either they made a mistake or the cocktail - called H2O Blue was really that all along. A shot of Tequilla gave me enough buzz to stop drinking and head on home. Heck, I was acting as if I didn’t have deadlines. I had my best sleep in weeks.

Today’s Facebook status: Mike got happily drunk last night (but no one noticed).

Tonight I attended my first Chanukah (or Hanukkah) dinner at D’s house. Chanukah, also known as the Jewish festival of lights, falls around Christmas day. The little that I know about it that it’s sort of the Jewish equivalent of Christmas. As it turned out, it is NOT. M (D’s wife) explained that Chanukah celebrates religious freedom. It commemorates the victory of a Jewish rebellion against the Greeks who tried to impose their religion upon them and the rededication of the temple. It also commemorates the miracle of the oil that burned for 8 days when the oil was just enough for a day.

The ten guests at this more intimate dinner were treated to M’s cooking. This was a new experience for me so I was trying to remember every bit of it. For dinner we had latkes (potato pancakes) with yoghurt and apple sauce, feta cheese salad, crabstick & celery salad, and matzah (unleavened bread) balls in chicken soup. I had seen latkes being prepared while watching The Lifestyle Channel in Manila but it was my first time to actually eat them. It was yummy! Too bad I didn’t take photos.

After dinner, M’s friend (and her daughter) lit the menorah (a special candelabra) and sang a Hebrew and English song about Chanukah. The 8 candles in the menorah symbolize the number of days that the oil burned in the temple. Then the kids were given gifts. I guess this is where the similarity with Christmas comes. Only, I learned that kids receive a total of 8 gifts during Chanukah. I momentarily wished I was a Jewish kid.

For dessert, M served a mango cobbler - or as D calls it: the cake that cannot be sliced - with vanilla ice cream. The table was littered with gold chocolate coins, which M calls gelt. There were also a couple of 4-sided tops with Hebrew (I assume here) letters on each side. M explained the game that involved the dreidel and the gelt.

After some wonderful post-prandial chat I headed back home, with some to-go food: latkes, the salads, and the matzah balls in soup! Holidays are really bad for the diet.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas - Judy Garland

If you’re looking for a heartwarming, holiday read then let me warn you: this isn’t it. Don’t let the disco Christmas tree fool you.

It is past 5PM, Christmas eve, and I’m sitting in front of the computer, mildly wondering what I was doing at exactly the same time last year. Well, if I remember correctly, at this very same moment, I was with K. We were, I think having a post-coital conversation on his impending trip to his home province, which meant he would be unable to join me in the Christmas day lunch at Ted’s house. We went over some work-related stuff in front of my computer afterwards. If I remember correctly too, I spent Christmas eve last year alone, which I didnt mind at all, because that time I needed to catch some needed sleep, as were very busy with the magazine the past week.

Now, a year later, I’m still sitting in front of my good old computer. Sure, many things have changed in the last 12 months. I’ve moved to a new house, got myself a room-mate, and K and I broke up for the last time (I hope). I lost my gall bladder, shed a few pounds, what else? Oh, yes, I lost and gained friends (again!). And yet, I find myself in almost the same situation as I was last year.

My plans for the night? Simple. Have dinner with a couple of friends at a Chinese restaurant with a French name (a potentially interesting cuisine). Then go back to writing these reports that are due  on the end of the month. There is an invitation to attend a Christmas dinner at a friend’s house. This friend is a new arrival here in Phnom Penh, but some of my friends here have known him in the Philippines. I thought of accepting his invitation but I finally decided against it because this new friend’s room-mate is a ‘dead-to-me’ (an explanation of the term can be found HERE).

I’ve been tempted to attend nonetheless and just ignore him (like this dead-to-me’s ex had been doing) but I’d rather not. I have too much delicadeza to do that to him in his home, regardless of our non-friendly status. If the party was in another place, I wouldn’t mind. After all, my skills in ignoring people I don’t like have never been this sharp. But I’d rather not unhinge my fangs and claws.

Better just to do something productive.

As the title says, have a merry little (or huge–it’s up to you) Christmas! I know I’ll have one! Let me leave you with a closer look at my disco tree. Similar to Fuschiaboy’s own lovely tree.

Lost in space

Lost in Space - Lighthouse Family

My dear,

It is always a pleasure to hear from you. I know we hadn’t talked in a long time but writing this feels almost as if we are together again, in our old haunts, with two cups of latte, a pack of cigarette, and a butt-filled ashtray on the table. I miss those days.

My trip went well, thanks for asking. I didn’t expect for the meeting to go that well, primarily because we didn’t have enough time to prepare for it, what with the holidays approaching. This is probably the first time in many years that I found myself working during the holidays. I find it a bit strange too that this particular holiday seems to have found its way into this non-Christian city. You know, more shops are now sporting Christmas decor, however kitschy most of them appear to be. If you want a mental picture, imagine the Christmas decor we used to have about 20 years ago–when it was okay to use cotton as ’snow’. This year, I even heard Christmas songs playing on local radio stations. Imagine that!

In any case, I am still glad to be working, holidays or not. God knows how the development sector will be affected by this global financial crisis. 

The city was as great as I remembered it to be, back when we the two of us worked it as if we owned it. Haha. The hotel I was billeted in was within walking distance to a variety of restaurants and shops, the cathedral, and the opera house. Remember the opera house? We had such fun moments there.

I arrived on Sunday afternoon, met with my client on Monday morning to make final arrangements for the meeting on Tuesday morning, then flew back home that same afternoon. Looking back now I wish I stayed longer. I do realize that without you, the city seemed less interesting. I mean, having Monday afternoon free, I thought I’d spend it walking around: window shopping, enjoying the parks, and so on but I ended up procrastinating what to do inside my hotel room. When I got out finally, it was dusk and I had less than two hours to stroll. I did have a marvelous dinner at this French bistro that faced the park.

Like I said, I was very pleased with the outcome of the meeting. My client and I shared a wonderful lunch of excellent sushi, marvelling at the seeming ease of the proceedings. We totally expected something else. After that I happily went back to the hotel to check out. The driver of the taxi was sufficiently pleasant and chatty, and the traffic was very unobtrusive. I got to the airport with a lot of time to spare.

The airport has tremendously improved, let me tell you. I was happy to see my favorite bookshop in it and I considered myself lucky for finding this biography that I had been looking for since last year. And it was their last copy. When I got tired from walking around, I had a foot massage in one of the spas and felt more relaxed.

Thirty minutes before boarding, as I was having tea, a young man asked if he can sit beside me, as the shop was filled with customers. He looked as if he were a grad student, at least; he had the earnest face of a diligent student. I left him to head for my gate. A few minutes after I had settled in my seat by the boarding gate, the same young man came. He gave me an almost too-polite nod as he sat a few chairs away from me, talking to someone in his mobile phone.

I lost track of him when more people started coming in and I started reading my newly bought book. As I was walking into the tube, I looked at my boarding pass and realized that I was given a window seat, in spite of my clear request to give me an aisle seat. As I went to my seat, I hoped that the flight wouldn’t be full so I could transfer. This was really just wishful thinking because I saw that there were many people waiting to board.

As I sat on my supposedly temporary seat, the young man came to my row and gave me a timid smile as he flashed his boarding pass. He got the aisle seat. He didn’t seem surprised at all to see me. I asked the flight attendant if it was a full flight and I was dismayed to learn that it was. The young man smiled and introduced himself and we engaged in small banter right before the plane took off.

When the plane reached its cruising altitude, I could see the sun slowly slipping into the horizon. Fat white clouds, clustered like a crate of grapes lay below the plane, as if cushioning it. They have served the drinks. The plane shifted its direction and the late afternoon sun found its way through the windows. The soft yellow light hit my hands and I thought of molten steel. My ring glinted, along with the plastic tumbler that held the apple juice. I turned to the source of this marvelous light and I saw the changing colors of dusk: yellow, orange, a touch of pink, purple…

And I remembered many past sunsets that I spent with him, driving around our small city, cruising by the riverside, across the Japanese bridge, stopping on the other bank of the river, sitting on its stone benches, eating grilled corn, feeling the cold early evening breeze, talking. And then I thought of these recent sunsets, when I had no one but my thoughts to keep me company.

My eyes watered, literally, I must say. A bit concerned, the young man thought it was because I stared into the sun too long. But I think you and I both know the real reason. Even if so much time has passed, his memory can still hurt me, in unexpected moments and ways. I felt I was thrown off the plane, thrust into the air space between the two countries, with no clear means to slow down my descent.

Was it too much for me to expect a full recovery? I hope this is not the case.