Always something there to remind me

It is a quiet, Sunday mid-morning and I have two huge tasks that I need to complete by Monday afternoon. But, instead of being neck-deep in work, I found myself wandering around the web, and looking at the profiles of people who are not part of my life now. Nope, they did not die, but they may as well have. Ex-lovers, ex-colleagues, ex-friends, that sort of thing…

I'm not sure why I do this. Whether it is a combination of my voyeuristic and masochistic tendencies exerting their influence on my mind is beyond me. I just do it. Not to renew my ties with them. Hell, no. Except perhaps, to keep tabs? See what they're up to these days in their little corners of the world? Look at how they appear now? Geez, I should probably be working for an intelligence agency. Didn't someone told me many years ago that I am suitable for intelligence work? It was a career counselor or something similar. This was echoed by a friend who admired my capacity to be still for hours just silently observing the goings-on in an outdoor cafe.

Still, I would like to know why I keep doing this. It's a waste of time. Seriously. I examined my feelings while doing this and I came across a blank wall. Except for the reasons I previously mentioned, nothing else came up. My mother faults my memory for this. According to her, my sharp memory keeps me from letting go of the past. That I forgive, but never forget. That is very true. I, in fact, do not believe that phrase. It does not make sense to me. I mean, I can forgive, and I sure can stop bringing up one's past mistakes, but I will not forget them. Because keeping those things at the back of my mind will help me avoid the same mistakes or protect me if they indeed happen again.

If there is anything that I learned fiercely from my mother, it is this: once trust is broken, you can never bring it back.

But I digress. In coming across a blank wall in my search for a reason, does this mean that I am destined to be doing this over and over again, as the list of my exes grow longer? I hope not. I do not want to spend the rest of my life pondering on the imponderables. I don't want to end up like Marcel Proust!

Better for me to sign up with the nearest intelligence agency, pronto!