I am changing

Would you enter into a relationship with a straight man? If I got asked this question thirteen years ago, I would have emphatically and categorically said, “No way!” Thirteen years ago I used to sneer and laugh at my fellow, usually older, gay men who are only sexually attracted to presumably straight men for being so tragically clueless. For me, engaging in a relationship with a straight man is like walking on a narrow one-way street that leads to a dead end. I mean, what is the extent of a straight man’s actions in bed when he is with a gay man? And where does the relationship lead to other than him abandoning “that part” of his life to rejoin the rest of the straight world by marrying a woman or worse, marrying a woman and having the gay man stick around as wedding planner, devoted godfather to his child, and generous provider of financial and emotional support?

I have seen too many movies and too many tragic figures to understand and firmly decide that this is not the way I will live as a gay man. Even if my concept of monogamy at that time was also based on a heterosexual framework (a sad situation, but a different story), I have decided that the men I will have sex with would only be gay men. Thirteen years, four boyfriends, and countless flings and affairs later, where do I stand?

Contrary to my earlier decision, I have slept with straight men and found them generally boring in bed, unless they were intoxicated or particularly horny. A friend told me that the pleasures in sleeping with a straight man lies not in the act itself but in the “hunt”, pardon the pun. It’s in the journey that leads to bed, or some other place where the sex act is performed. I can agree to that belief. The “hunt” can indeed excite one but as all excitements go, the feeling is fleeting. It’s a temporary high, at best. I haven’t, however, succumbed to any invitation to enter a relationship with one. And there have been attempts to entice me, let me tell you.

All things change, no matter what we say to the contrary. People, climate, feelings, and even sexual preferences change. My own concept of monogamy has changed as well. My current partner and I are committed to each other, even if we are both aware that he will eventually marry, largely because of a strong cultural imperative. He is Cambodian and the eldest male in his family. Expectations are high that he will marry, no matter how he identifies himself (gay? bisexual? who cares?). We have talked a lot about this. He says the same thing, that his marriage will change nothing between us, that his feelings for me will remain the same. But what about my feelings, I asked myself. I am uncertain as to how I would feel when he does marry. It’s not a question of ‘if’ but ‘when’ it will happen. He is 35 years old; way past the ideal marrying age for a Cambodian man so I imagine the pressure will be greater.

So for me the suitable question would be, “Would you enter into a relationship with a married man?” Because I do not equate being married with being straight, I regard it as a different question, to which I honestly have no answer now.

But going back to the first question, my answer now would probably, “I don’t know”. I have a friend who, for most of his life, had been involved with gay men only. As he approached middle-age, he found himself involved with a younger straight man who is living with a woman and their toddler child. Aside from the occasional financial help to the young family, he also provides emotional support to the couple, either by listening to their problems and by providing advice. Many of his friends think the relationship is detrimental to him but he is unfazed and determined. He is happy and content when they are together. He is always reassured of his “special place” in his heart and life. Although jealousy sometimes rears its ugly head, it is something that my friend owns up to and is prepared to work out within himself.

Do I think the same thing will happen to me in the future? I don’t know. I have a vision for the future; my so-called ideal world, if I may be indulged to label it. In this world, there is no need for labels. Straight, gay, bisexual, transgender, bi-curious, discreet, questioning, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, all these will not matter. Our identities will not be confined to our behaviours. In this world, families will not only be determined by genes and gender, but also by emotional and spiritual bonds that people share. And the only arbiter of morality will be our own conscience.

In my ideal world, my friend’s relationship will not be an issue for comment, analysis, and recommendation. And the question I posed at the start will not in the least bit be relevant.