What have I done to deserve this?

“Hell is other people.” –Friedrich Nietzsche

I do not subscribe to this belief but there are times when it seems and feels true. I have always believed that people are inherently good but as my age ripens further, I find this precept continually challenged by people around me. People I have considered friends.

For example, this year started with my discovery of BM’s betrayal. I do not attempt to quantify the impact of the lies he told his lover and friends about me because I do not really care about their opinion. However, there is a small part of me that still wants to defend myself from the lies that have been told about me. Although, in hindsight, the lies he told his friends pale in comparison to how he manipulated my mother into lending him money. If anything, this is the main reason why I feel I will never forgive BM.

And then came KS. He went to Cambodia to escape the effects of his sudden resignation from his work because he couldn’t get along with his boss, whom I affectionately regard as my mentor. KS’ exit from his work was far from the gracefulness that he conveys in his dancing. To many it would seem utterly unprofessional. So I took him in because I had a feeling that his disposition will fit in the culture of Cambodia. But when he came I realized that KS was a changed man. Blame it on 3 years of separation, and maybe I changed as well. It just seemed that we were always on different pages on many things. I was alarmed by his drinking (which I had attributed first to the trauma he just experienced, then to stress before accepting it for what it is: a problem). He was probably astonished to find me so rigid (responsible?) and controlling (concerned?). So when KS moved out of my house even if we both knew he didn’t have the financial means to do so, I supported it because it was probably best for our friendship. What left a foul taste in my mouth was his non-admittance of the real reason why he moved out of my house. KS and I are not on speaking terms now, and I am sure I do not want to see him just yet, but he remains a friend to me.

With DR, however, I am not so sure. DR arrived here in Phnom Penh in 2005, with his lover ER. They have since separated, and this has almost, if not completely, destroyed DR. Since the separation DR’s life had seemed to be on a downward spiral: he had never held a job for more than a few months, his drinking–intense to start with–escalated, he was indiscriminate in terms of sexual partners, etc. He also managed to screw up many of the jobs that came his way. These screw-ups almost always involved money. DR and I have been through some rough patches, some of these have been documented in the previous incarnation of this blog (with Friendster), but somehow I have always saw past those because I liked being friends with him. But over time I began to see cracks in the shiny veneer of DR’s character. His own words and actions began to betray him. His stories showed inconsistencies. There was growing dissonance between his words and actions. Layers of lies covered each other. I found myself unable to trust him fully. The straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak, was the incident surrounding my last trip to Saigon to buy gifts for my family and friends in the Philippines. A trip that DR made with me. I will not delve into the details anymore, other than saying that this particular incident involves three things DR is not particularly good at: keeping promises, returning borrowed things, and telling the truth.

I met MS through mutual friends when I was a newbie here in Cambodia (late 2004) and I found her nice and friendly enough. She also seemed to have a good head on her shoulders but I never really got close to her until about a year ago. In 2005, MS learned that I designed a logo for a mutual friend (TC) who bakes cakes and pastries and she wasted no time asking me to design one for her business of aromatherapy oils and spa products. I designed the logo as a thank-you gesture to TC because he let me stay in his apartment for 2 months for free. I don’t owe MS anything and I knew she knew that I did graphic design for a living. But she didn’t offer any other payment other than an exuberant thank you when my design was finished. Time passed and soon MS gaily told me that she was opening her own spa. She asked me again to design the logo of this new establishment along with some promotional materials. To avoid any misunderstanding I sent her my rate-card. I never heard from her again. Next time I heard from MS she asked me and DR for help in decorating her spa. I went but realized that what she needed was furniture movers, not a decorator. I didn’t visit her spa for months due to work but when I did, I learned that another friend designed the brochure and logo. For free.

A few months ago, I started sharing my housekeeper with GS, a friend who needed a housekeeper two times a week only. My housekeeper agreed because she needed extra cash. So my housekeeper started working for GS on Wednesdays and Sundays. MS asked me to share with her also but I declined when I learned there were too many people in her household and she was not prepared to pay my housekeeper fairly. What I didn’t know was when my housekeeper worked for GS, MS would wait for her–like a lion in ambush–and make my housekeeper do housework for her. I was astonished when I learned this. I couldn’t believe it. How some people can be so devious and manipulative. The nerve of this woman, really! It’s not as though I consider my housekeeper as my own possession. I mean, she is free to decide where she wants to work in her own time but ethics demands that I at the very least be notified. As it turns out, my housekeeper didn’t really want to work for MS. She could just be intimidated by MS because my housekeeper knew MS and I were friends.

There are 5 things that I do not tolerate in people: dishonesty, discourtesy, mediocrity, arrogance, and laziness. 

Nill (my publisher) and I like to joke that we have a quota of friends and enemies that we like to maintain on a yearly basis. This year, I told him yesterday, I seem to be experiencing a trade deficit: some of my friends are becoming my enemies! The year is almost over. I hope this won’t be my statement for the year. Let me end this with another quote from my favorite melancholic philosopher.

“The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.”–Friedrich Nietzsche