Kids

My friend told me this story, which happened to her only a few days ago. M is an Executive Director for a non-profit organization working with children. One afternoon, she was walking in a mall in Malate, Manila when she noticed a commotion near the exit of the mall. When she got close enough for a view she saw a boy, around 8 years old, yelling at hitting an older woman who appeared as if she were the grandmother of the boy. The mall’s security guards started coming to the old woman’s rescue and tried extricating the boy from her. M’s alertness turned to alarm when she saw one guard take out his handcuffs and tried putting it on the boy. She quickly stopped the guard, told him that it was illegal to use cuffs on a child. As she tussled with the guards, one of them started hitting and kicking the shouting and writhing boy.

From that moment, M was in the fray, so to speak. She tried to talk to the boy and the old woman, who was in fact the grandmother. The old woman told M that the boy has ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder). M then tried to calm the boy, who panics at the sight of the guards, by maintaining eye contact and talking calmly. When the boy calmed a little, M learned that the boy had wanted a Happy Meal but was refused by the grandmother and this resulted in a tantrum. The tantrum was complicated when other people started staring, which panicked the ADHD-stricken boy, and the rescuing guards.

Disheveled, M walked to the nearest McDonald’s and bought him a Happy Meal. She also admonished the grandmother not to spend time alone with the boy, especially in a public place, which can complicate an ADHD-affected child’s trauma exponentially.

But how can you tell a grandmother not to spend time with her grandchild? For someone who grew up around my maternal grandmother, I understand how difficult this must be. And besides, both M and I do not know the full story. The grandmother might be the sole caregiver of the child, for all we know. From the little I know about ADHD, I know that it is often mistaken for bad behavior and so it is difficult to diagnose. Especially in the Philippines, where it is culturally acceptable to hit a child in the name of discipline. Even in the advent of (popular) child psychology, many people still see ADHD as a behavioral quirk rather than an actual clinical disorder. Add to this the stigma of having a mental illness, which prevents people with behavioral disorders from accessing proper diagnosis and treatment. 

I just realized: this is my second story on children in one week.

I guess I am still affected by what happened to Marianette Amper. None of my regular readers/commenters have reacted to her story. I am afraid she was eclipsed by the little drama that unfolded between me and a former friend. That was probably more interesting to read. In fact, before M shared her story to me, she gleefully commented how my last stories resembled a telenovela. 

And yesterday morning, I woke up with Kimrun in my bed, nuzzling in my shoulder like an adorable puppy. While I was still half-asleep, he said he wanted to have children with me. I wasn’t facing him so I tried to detect the smile in his voice, sure he was joking in his usual manner. But I couldn’t and when I turned to him he looked serious, with only a small smile on his stubbled lips. I asked him why. He said we weren’t getting any younger and if we wanted children, now was the time to have them so we wouldn’t be too old to take care of them. 

I wasn’t ready for that kind of conversation that early in the morning so I asked him if we can postpone the discussion for some time later. He agreed and asked, ‘When?’. I said soon.

Before I went to bed last night, I thought about what he said. Children. With me. Wow. Aside from the inherent complexity of our situation on account that we’re both men, there are a lot of things to consider before we can have children. Are we adopting or conceiving? If we are conceiving, whose sperm will be used? Will it entail actually having sex with this yet-unidentified woman or will it be artificially done? Do we have the money to do such a thing? Do we have the energy and focus to see this through?

I mean, we haven’t even thought of how the child will be raised: Buddhist (like Kimrun) or Catholic (lapsed, like me)? Kimrun and I have never even raised a dog together; how would we manage a child? 

This is one of the (very) few times when I wish I were heterosexual.