Underneath it all

Clive Barker believes that all of us are books of blood. He said, “Wherever we’re opened, we’re red.” Makes complete sense to me, well beyond the horror genre implications of it (This was the epigraph of his seminal short story collection called–what else? Books of Blood). I’d been meaning to use this line of his for some time now. Didn’t think it would happen on such a happy occasion.

But why am I–self-proclaimed master of melancholia, happy? 

Well, for somebody likes me who gets sad (and mad?) easily, the smallest kind gesture can also make me happy. Yes, gestures, especially the kind that flatters. So there, now you know that with me, flattery (at least the kind that I could believe) goes a long way.

A fellow blogger has tagged me, okay? This is the first time someone did in all the time that I’d been blogging. Hence the happiness and the sense of being flattered. The tag was supposedly called ‘7 things you don’t know about me’ and I was a bit taken aback reading the fears that my dear fellow blogger expressed about writing personal things. I wondered, why she felt that way.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you’d know that I am fairly open about myself. I mean, I write about almost everything that’s happening to me as I live here in Cambodia: my relationship with Kimrun, my (our) sex life, friends, non-friends, my career, things and people I like and detest, and so on. I probably wondered because in my opinion, a blog is supposed to be one’s journal that is being written in a form that is shared with other people, anonymous or not.

Back in 2001, I started writing a series of short essays that I uploaded weekly into the e-group of the NGO I was working for in Manila. I titled my posts ‘The (sometimes) Happy Homosexual’ or TSHH. Apart from self-expression, I intended this to be a form of information dissemination means to the other members of the e-group: young and community-based gay boys who could probably learn a thing or two from either my experiences or the bits of information (on HIV/AIDS, sexuality, etc) that I include in these articles. My friend K expressed apprehension at this undertaking, concerned about privacy. Having gone through a long period of repression, I had decided that I would live my life openly, with minimal secrets. I wrote TSHH for 17 weeks until circumstances led to my abandoning that undertaking.

I discovered blogging 2 years ago and found myself in familiar territories quite easily. After trying Friendster and blogspot, I finally settled here in i.ph, which allowed the integration of my poetry blog.

Now, my first task is to tell you, my dear reader, 7 things you don’t know about me. Are there still things that you don’t know about me? I believe so. I believe that as we age, our identities become richer and more complex that our own definitions change over time. There are a thousand other definitions underneath all our smiles, glances, and gestures. We are like lakes whose depths are always glimpsed, but never fully seen.

So here they are, in no particular order. Some of you may have known some of these things about me; some might be surprised upon reading some of these things. Please indulge me, dear reader.

1. I’m a bit cross-eyed. It is not so obvious now as when I was a boy but it’s true, my eyes are not symmetrical. I am what you might call ‘banlag‘, which is a few clicks shy of being ‘duling‘ (cross-eyed). When I was a boy, my mother taught me to tilt my head a little sideways (to the left) to disguise this assymetry and to highlight the deep dimple on my right cheek. This is something I still do to this day albeit unconsciously, to tell the truth.

2. Clowns and mascots terrify me. I don’t know whether this was caused by a repressed childhood memory or by watching all those horror films but clowns and mascots really scare me. There is something sinister about the painted smile of the clown, along with the things that the garish, baggy costumes, the exaggerated shoes and gloved hands might conceal. Mascots, meanwhile, appear cheery and perky all the time but who knows what the person inside is thinking when people approach them happily?  Just writing about them sends shivers up my spine. Reading ‘It‘ by Stephen King at age 13 did not help to dispel this fear either.

3. I love Nora Aunor. Today she might not be the famous and respected celebrity that she was many years ago but to me she is absolutely the greatest talent the Philippine entertainment industry has produced. Her fairy tale rise to stardom and success is now part of history, along with her social missteps and indiscretions. She has done much for the Philippines that many do not know of. She broke the strong hold of mestizos in the entertainment industry, paved the way for the local recording industry to flourish, and helped put Filipino films in the international scene. A multi-hyphenate (singer-actress-producer-businesswoman) long before the term was invented, she was an influential force in Philippine showbiz. I grew up in a household where Sunday evenings were reserved for watching her musical variety show on channel 9. My great-grandmother adored her. To what degree, I do not know. She collected magazines (Liwayway, Kislap, Superstar) that had her on the cover, that I knew. I was never a member of any of her fan clubs but I liked watching her films and listening to her songs. About 10 years ago her old recording company re-released her old albums in CD format and now I am a proud owner of a number of them.

4. I stopped drinking because my body tolerates alcohol too well. Strange statement? It’s true. I can drink like a fish without puking, and without any hang-over in the morning after. I started drinking when I was 19, with my college friends, then with people from work. I learned to drink hard drinks (gin & rhum) before beer. Red Horse is a favorite brand, along with Super Submarine, a beverage concocted in the old Penguin Bar in Malate, consisting of 500ml of Red Horse and a jigger of lambanog. I used to be able to down at least 6 bottles of Red Horse per drinking session. Mixing beer and hard drinks does not bother me, too. But I got to a point when I began to wonder what the point of getting drunk a lot is. So I stopped; or minimized my drinking. Saved me an awful lot of money. These days, I am content with a few glasses of vodka tonic once in a while to make me feel mellow and give me a sound sleep. 

5. I have a foot and calf fetish (sort of). What can I say? I just like a guy with clean feet and toes. Strong ankles and calves also catch my eyes easily. Under the right circumstances, I am not above planting kisses on feet and sucking on a toe, once in a while. My earliest memory of this liking was when I was about 7 years old. During recess I liked to sit down on a bench and watch the older boys play basketball. I remember liking very much the way the tube ends of the mid-calf socks press on the skins. Nothing sexual in it, as far as I know, but it was a nice feeling.

6. I am an occasional drag queen. Growing up, I never tried on my mother’s clothes. My first experience with cross-dressing was in 1999 when I had to dress up because it was the office Christmas party. When I realized it was such a bother, I decided not to do it ever again. Fast forward to 2005. A group of friends here in Phnom Penh put up a drag show and I was there to provide back stage support and assistance. However, on the second show, a quirk in the program left no performer in the opening segment. In a pinch, I agreed to do it reluctantly and felt secretly happy when I saw how pretty I looked with hair and make-up on (hehehe!). I lip-synched to a remix of Madonna’s Erotica wearing the Korean national costume and I was a big hit! My last performance was in August 2006 (pictured); our show was called Oh, Shirley! where we performed the music of Dame Shirley Bassey.

7. I dream of fatherhood. Such a nice follow-up to the last point, do you agree? It’s true. I dream of having a child someday. I think I would make a wonderful father (and mother? Beowulf’s mother? hehehe!). Really. How often do I dream of it? Well, I dream of it enough for me to take note and share the fact with you. How it would become a reality I do not know. It could just be a dream and nothing but, you know? (By the way, the cute tot in the photo is my friend Me-Anne’s baby girl)

So there, the 7 things you don’t know (yet) about me. And now, my second task is to tag 7 other people to do what I have just done. Here goes, in no particular order again:

1. Joyce in C’est Moi

2. Daden in Dang

3. Glenn’s Liwaliw

4. May-May’s mai_piece_of_mind

5. Ging in one fine day i’ll fly away

6. Ryan’s My Blog

7. Wilma at The Mad Tea Party 

Enjoy, dear reader!