I remember the boy

The idea for this post had been circling my mind for some time now. The catalyst, however, came after reading Mandaya’s post called ‘Chasing Pavements’. This particular post made me smile and tugged at my heart at the same time, reflective perhaps of the tragi-comic elements of a physical and emotional relationship between men.

Since 1994, I’ve been seriously involved with 5 men, including my current partner. To me serious involvement meant a mutually monogamous relationship, with all the trimmings and strings attached. In between relationships I’d been known to actively engage in sexual dalliances with strangers. I am what others would call a serial monogamist. In the last 8 years, this tenet has been challenged in many ways, and as a result, this has changed me and my views on relationships in many ways also. To illustrate my point, let me go back in time to tell you something about my 5 lovers.

‘V’

I met V in National Bookstore around late 1994. I’d just graduated from Nursing, was reviewing for the Board exams when I met him. I was in that mall to meet my friends so we can buy tickets for the first major concert of the Eraserheads at the Folk Arts Theater. Arriving early, I was browsing in the Philippine books section when I saw this lanky, skin-headed guy in white shirt and tight jeans–totally butch–secretly reading Ladlad. The anthology of Filipino gay writing. I assumed it was Ladlad because of the pink cover. I stepped closer to confirm and yes, it was. I pretended to be looking at the titles nearby before softly saying, ‘That’s a good book.’ He looked at me. He had soulful deep-set eyes and a high forehead. ‘You have it?’ I nodded, smiling. ‘You bought it?’ I nodded again. He seemed in awe that I found no trouble admitting this fact to him. In truth I was also terrified out of my wits while I was paying for this book weeks ago. I was afraid someone I knew to see it on me.

So we started talking and then he invited me for a cup of coffee at French Baker until it was time for me to see my friends. He sweetly asked me if I wanted to ditch my friends so we can continue our conversation in the coffee shop. I relented by meeting my friends, giving some excuse that I needed to go back home immediately, and leaving them my money for the concert tickets. We talked in the coffee shop until almost 8PM and made an appointment to see each other again the next day. And the next.

V was my first real boyfriend and I was his first also. We lasted 10 months. Our relationship became un-manageable because both of us weren’t ‘out’ so there was a lot of hiding and it was absolutely stressful for the 21 year-old that I were at that time. There were also a lot of secrets from his side, which I couldn’t stand. Sex was awkward, but we tried hard to work out our choreography, so to speak. I will always remember V for writing the longest and sweetest love letters. 3 pages minimum; written in florid Tagalog, even if he is from Pangasinan. Also, he cried when I broke up with him. I cried a lot while we were together so I guess we were even.

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