I remember the boy

The idea for this post had been circling my mind for some time now. The catalyst, however, came after reading Mandaya’s post called ‘Chasing Pavements’. This particular post made me smile and tugged at my heart at the same time, reflective perhaps of the tragi-comic elements of a physical and emotional relationship between men.

Since 1994, I’ve been seriously involved with 5 men, including my current partner. To me serious involvement meant a mutually monogamous relationship, with all the trimmings and strings attached. In between relationships I’d been known to actively engage in sexual dalliances with strangers. I am what others would call a serial monogamist. In the last 8 years, this tenet has been challenged in many ways, and as a result, this has changed me and my views on relationships in many ways also. To illustrate my point, let me go back in time to tell you something about my 5 lovers.

‘V’

I met V in National Bookstore around late 1994. I’d just graduated from Nursing, was reviewing for the Board exams when I met him. I was in that mall to meet my friends so we can buy tickets for the first major concert of the Eraserheads at the Folk Arts Theater. Arriving early, I was browsing in the Philippine books section when I saw this lanky, skin-headed guy in white shirt and tight jeans–totally butch–secretly reading Ladlad. The anthology of Filipino gay writing. I assumed it was Ladlad because of the pink cover. I stepped closer to confirm and yes, it was. I pretended to be looking at the titles nearby before softly saying, ‘That’s a good book.’ He looked at me. He had soulful deep-set eyes and a high forehead. ‘You have it?’ I nodded, smiling. ‘You bought it?’ I nodded again. He seemed in awe that I found no trouble admitting this fact to him. In truth I was also terrified out of my wits while I was paying for this book weeks ago. I was afraid someone I knew to see it on me.

So we started talking and then he invited me for a cup of coffee at French Baker until it was time for me to see my friends. He sweetly asked me if I wanted to ditch my friends so we can continue our conversation in the coffee shop. I relented by meeting my friends, giving some excuse that I needed to go back home immediately, and leaving them my money for the concert tickets. We talked in the coffee shop until almost 8PM and made an appointment to see each other again the next day. And the next.

V was my first real boyfriend and I was his first also. We lasted 10 months. Our relationship became un-manageable because both of us weren’t ‘out’ so there was a lot of hiding and it was absolutely stressful for the 21 year-old that I were at that time. There were also a lot of secrets from his side, which I couldn’t stand. Sex was awkward, but we tried hard to work out our choreography, so to speak. I will always remember V for writing the longest and sweetest love letters. 3 pages minimum; written in florid Tagalog, even if he is from Pangasinan. Also, he cried when I broke up with him. I cried a lot while we were together so I guess we were even.

Last sighting: in late 2003, I visited him in Pangasinan. Since our relationship, he’s worked as a writer for television, saved up enough money to start a pre-school and a furniture store in his home province. I spent a night in his home and probably caused a bit of tension between him and his alleged business partner (who lived with him). I honestly thought they were lovers but V wouldn’t admit it to me. Same old, secretive V.

‘T’

I met T–a fitness instructor–while I was trying to enroll in Slimmers’ World in late 1995. I was starting my first job at an AIDS NGO in Makati and I was checking out the latest offerings of Slimmers’ World. T was by the information desk and he responded to all my inquiries in a lively and engaging manner. He was about my height, with almond-shaped eyes that disappeared when he smiled, which was often. Husky voice, and an even huskier body. I thought nothing of it, by the way, because I never liked gym-boys.

But about 15 minutes after leaving Slimmers’ World, my beeper flashed his message. He was asking me out coffee. Less than a month later we were lovers. He told me I was his first. I told him he’s not my first. My friends began to wonder about my type. Did I like virgins? I shrugged off their inquiries. T was very sweet: very attentive at dinner, opening doors for me, sending me flowers and chocolates and picking me up at work. I’d spend 3 nights a week in his condo and the sex was really great. His body and stamina are amazing.

T and I lasted barely 4 months. Because we could not TALK. Our brain waves seem to be tuned to different frequencies. I wanted an equal; he wanted a male wife. My boss advised me that it was okay not to be able to discuss literature and history with your lover, as long as the sex is great. Talking is for friends. I chronicled this dilemma in a short story I wrote in 1996. That story can now be found in Ladlad 3 (yes, that same anthology).

Last sighting: also in late 2003. He has stopped being a fitness instructor at Slimmers’ World and was only handling private training with his favorite clients. He was also busy operating a produce franchise in at least 3 high-end markets in Makati. And, when I last saw him, he said he’s found what he was looking for in his current partner, a nice domesticated chap. 

to be continued