I know him so well

continuation of previous post

‘N’

I met N in 1996, when things between me and T were getting sour. We agreed to meet after briefly talking on the phone. This first meeting caused me alarm. When I first saw him, I had some sort of a vision. I saw my old self reflected in his eyes; we were old together. Of course I didn’t tell him this.I was, after all, in a relationship that time, while he was just looking for someone to talk with regarding his emerging gayness. But he was so beautiful. I never cared for fair skin but he carried it so well. I could spend the whole day looking at his curled hair, high forehead, and wide eyes. Before we parted, the brashness of his question surprised me that for a few seconds I didn’t know what to say. ‘What are your expectations on us,’ he asked.

‘I think clearly we can be friends,’ I almost stammered. ‘And then?’ His eyes sparkled with mischief. ‘Let’s just take it from there. See where it goes.’

We became lovers about 2 months after that initial meeting. It was a long distance relationship because I was in Manila while he lived and worked in Nueva Ecija, a 3-hour car ride north of Manila. But we made it work. We’d see each other every Saturday, spend the day and early evening together, then I would sneak him into our house at midnight for some hot sex then he would sneak out of our house at around 4AM and he’d drive back to Nueva Ecija. This arrangement worked for a while but soon things got a bit complicated. He wanted to spend more time with his friends, which I resented but chose not to tell him.

Things got to a head when he broke up with me after 6 months. I was devastated; I cried for days. However, less than a month later, we found ourselves talking again. Talking was followed by sex. We decided to give it one more try. The second time was more peaceful for both of us. Up to now, I don’t know why. By this time I was already out to my family. He had been to my house many times, striking friendships with my mother and aunt. We were both happy. But our relationship wasn’t going great; it was okay, but not great. N wanted to explore his new-found sexuality further. I, however, felt I wouldn’t be able to handle the thought of him ‘exploring’ while he was with me. So we mutually decided that it was probably best that we ended the relationship and be friends instead.

And such friendship it became. It was difficult for me to be friends with him, because of my feelings. To be fair, N also makes me feel that he cares for me, even now. It was his persistence that kept it going, until now. N was my muse. I have written more than a hundred poems that were inspired by him and he haunts many of my works of fiction as well. And my vision? Both of us are just 34 years old; we have a long way to go.

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