I know him so well

continuation of previous post

‘N’

I met N in 1996, when things between me and T were getting sour. We agreed to meet after briefly talking on the phone. This first meeting caused me alarm. When I first saw him, I had some sort of a vision. I saw my old self reflected in his eyes; we were old together. Of course I didn’t tell him this.I was, after all, in a relationship that time, while he was just looking for someone to talk with regarding his emerging gayness. But he was so beautiful. I never cared for fair skin but he carried it so well. I could spend the whole day looking at his curled hair, high forehead, and wide eyes. Before we parted, the brashness of his question surprised me that for a few seconds I didn’t know what to say. ‘What are your expectations on us,’ he asked.

‘I think clearly we can be friends,’ I almost stammered. ‘And then?’ His eyes sparkled with mischief. ‘Let’s just take it from there. See where it goes.’

We became lovers about 2 months after that initial meeting. It was a long distance relationship because I was in Manila while he lived and worked in Nueva Ecija, a 3-hour car ride north of Manila. But we made it work. We’d see each other every Saturday, spend the day and early evening together, then I would sneak him into our house at midnight for some hot sex then he would sneak out of our house at around 4AM and he’d drive back to Nueva Ecija. This arrangement worked for a while but soon things got a bit complicated. He wanted to spend more time with his friends, which I resented but chose not to tell him.

Things got to a head when he broke up with me after 6 months. I was devastated; I cried for days. However, less than a month later, we found ourselves talking again. Talking was followed by sex. We decided to give it one more try. The second time was more peaceful for both of us. Up to now, I don’t know why. By this time I was already out to my family. He had been to my house many times, striking friendships with my mother and aunt. We were both happy. But our relationship wasn’t going great; it was okay, but not great. N wanted to explore his new-found sexuality further. I, however, felt I wouldn’t be able to handle the thought of him ‘exploring’ while he was with me. So we mutually decided that it was probably best that we ended the relationship and be friends instead.

And such friendship it became. It was difficult for me to be friends with him, because of my feelings. To be fair, N also makes me feel that he cares for me, even now. It was his persistence that kept it going, until now. N was my muse. I have written more than a hundred poems that were inspired by him and he haunts many of my works of fiction as well. And my vision? Both of us are just 34 years old; we have a long way to go.

Last sighting: in December 2006, we both went to Manila for Christmas. He brought his Canadian boyfriend with him while my Cambodian partner was also there. The four of us met at a bar in Malate, among our other friends. We chat over YM until now, when circumstances allow it.

‘O’

After N and I broke up in 1997, I didn’t have the heart to go into a new relationship. Perhaps this was because at the back of my mind, I was sure that N and I would get back together again. By 1998 this belief had shriveled like fruit left out in the sun for too long. Casual sex was my alternative to relationships. A long string of one-night-stands and two-night-stands. So when I met O in late 1999 a relationship was the farthest thing in my mind. After all, we met while cruising in a theater.

But after having sex with each other so many times, we soon found ourselves talking and we came to a point where we admitted that we really liked each other. But he just came from a bad relationship while I was still in limbo on relationships. So we agreed to keep the sex at least exclusive, but we were in no way committed to each other. I introduced him to my friends at work and they liked him. I introduced him at home and my mother liked him as well. I also met his nice family.

Our relationship had a rocky start, not just because of the absurdness of our situation but also because it happened under a virtual microscope. By this time I had transferred to another NGO that worked with gays. Within the organization there was a tight-knit community wherein each member’s actions can be targeted for observation, speculation, and interference. Our relationship came into scrutiny. This was further complicated by the fact that O was, to put it bluntly, a flirt. And an indiscreet one at that. So tongues wagged as intrigues flew.

I lost friends within the organization/community because I defended our relationship. It seemed that I spent a lot of time protecting him and our relationship. But somehow we survived all that. It helped that I was recruited for a higher post by another NGO after a year. But our relationship soured when I began discovering some aspects of his personality that gave credence to all the previous rumors that circulated around him. By November 2003, I stopped seeing him altogether. Perhaps sensing our end, he also stayed away.

Last sighting: in early 2007, I saw his photo, or rather his semi-nude photo, in an internet chat site. Said photo was labeled b*g**oboy or something. By the way, he is very proud of his genitalia that in almost all his internet profiles, it’s not surprising to see photos of his dick. 

‘K’

I met K around May of 2004, my second month here in Cambodia, introduced by a friend. I didn’t like him at first because I thought he was brash. It didn’t take him long to win me over with charm. In July, I stopped in Thailand for a week before coming home to Manila. We spent a couple of days together and he even brought me to the airport. He hugged me very tightly and whispered, ‘Come back to me.’ When I went back to Phnom Penh 5 weeks later, we decided to make our relationship formal.

Things were excellent between us during the next 4 months. I was happy and in love. However, in January 2005, a small argument made him so mad that he refused to talk to me. The devastation I felt this time was much greater then my break-up with N years ago because I was unaware of the reason why he just upped and went away. And my support system here in Cambodia was nothing compared to the one I got in Manila. So I immersed myself in work to cope. K and I would not speak to each other for a year.

As in my previous episodes of singlehood, casual sex was my alternative to a relationship. I met a 23-year-old married Cambodian who indulged his fantasies of rough sex with me. I didn’t mind. That time, I felt I needed some sort of violence in sex just to feel something. He was just what I needed. We would see each other for sex. No strings attached. I also began dating another Cambodian who was working in a Christian Mission. He was an adequate sexual partner, but he was looking for a boyfriend. And I was not. Nevertheless, I regarded him as a friend with whom I occasionally have sex.

In early 2006 my work led to my paths crossing with K’s. This time he wasn’t trying to avoid me. Soon after we found ourselves talking, first as colleagues, then as friends. I was careful to approach the topic of our failed relationship because I was afraid of his reticence. To my surprise, he explained himself after apologizing. He got afraid because our relationship was becoming too serious. Like many Cambodian men, K believed that same-sex relationship is not to be taken seriously. In K’s situation, he was also resisting his family’s pressure to marry.

Satisfied with K’s explanation, he surprised me again when he asked to be taken back. He promised to be forthright when something similar happens in the future. It took me 2 weeks to be able to decide.

And now we are still together. K and I know that for him to be able to live fully as a gay man, he has to leave Cambodia. He has managed to resist his family’s suggestion that he get married, but until when? Honestly, the thought of him getting married is not so horrible a thought. We love each other. And I know marriage will not change his feelings for me. Still I cannot help but think of dear old me. Maybe we should leave Cambodia when we have the financial means to do so. I am afraid of his ability to adjust in another country. Though he seemed to do well when he was in Manila, that was a holiday, much different from actually living there. We are thinking of Canada.

After 4 relationships that ended, do I think my relationship with K is my last? I am unable to answer this question because there are a lot of uncertainties to consider. Our feelings, our circumstances, our environment, the people around us, among others. All I know is that my attitudes towards relationships now is much different from my attitudes 10 years ago. I have understood and accepted a lot of things that I’d previously found unacceptable, and it has filled me with feelings of frustration and relief. Should my relationship with K end, I am certain that it will leave me richer with the experience, that will hopefully contribute to the success of my next relationship.

In relationships, I realized that an openness to learn is as important as opening one’s self to another person.