My heart belongs to me

On my last night in Kuala Lumpur, 2 of my friends–one new and the other old, came to see me at the hotel and we went out for dinner.

I’ve known Y since 2006, having met in a training that I participated in Hanoi. We would see each other two more times in other training workshops in 2007. And whenever I was in KL, we made arrangements to see each other. I am witness to her on-going transition from a university-based researcher to a development worker. In the time that I had known her, she had come out to her Chinese-Malay family as a lesbian. I met R in a training I attended in Chiang Mai late last year. He’s the same age as my mother, but there is such youthful mischief in his eyes it is easy to mistake him as much younger than he actually is. Like me, he works in the field of HIV prevention, focused on vulnerable populations. He’s German, but has lived in Malaysia for almost 20 years, ‘partnered’ with a Malaysian law enforcement officer for 6 years.

Since I had eaten Chinese food on my first night and had eaten my fill of Malay food the whole day, we decided to have some Korean food for dinner. Fortunately there was a Korean restaurant within walking distance from the hotel so we left Y’s car in the car park and walked out. It was a nice evening for a walk, anyway.

R had never tasted any Korean dish but he said he was willing to try. I told him that Korean kimchi is like the German sauerkraut. Also, with the years that he’d been in Malaysia, he has also grown accustomed to eating spicy food. 

However, as we were ordering food–looking for pork dishes, we learned that the Korean restaurant was serving only halal food. So no pork. R did not like beef so Y and I ordered some kimchi soup with seafood for him. Y ordered Beef spare ribs soup. Like the creature of habit that I am, I ordered my favorite Korean dish, Bibimbap. We also ordered a Korean pancake with leeks and shrimp to share. The thing I like about eating at Korean restaurants is even if you order just one dish (which is already a hearty meal by itself), there are a lot of side dishes.

Y confessed to being very hungry already so we started eating as soon as the food was laid on our table. We chatted while eating, catching up on the things that had happened since the three of us were last together in November 2007. My Bibimbap was very good; the taste reminded me of the one served in my favorite Korean restaurant in Phnom Penh. The pancake was also delicious.

As they were having their post-prandial cigarette, R told me that he’ll be coming to Cambodia next week and on May he’ll be in Vientianne. I asked if he was taking his husband and he said no. His husband was going on a separate holiday, in Bangkok, with some friends. R confided that he’s still trying to figure out how to tell his husband to bring a condom on his holiday. They’ve always been monogamous, so they’ve stopped using it. I suggested that he just insert some in his husband’s luggage. Y suggested that they sat and talked it through. R didn’t seem receptive to both suggestions. I think he can figure it out for himself because he knows his husband much better then Y and I do. That’s the simple truth. Negotiations of this kind between couples is best left to the couples themselves.

Our conversation turned to Y’s lovelife. She admitted that she was dating two ladies: another Malaysian and an Australian. R and I teased her about being a slut but Y begged to differ. She said she’s not committed to any of the 2 women. I asked her why and she said it’s because she might be off to Londom later this year to pursue a second Master’s degree. She’ll be gone for at least a year so she sees no point in getting into a relationship now since she’s leaving anyway. All of us agreed that long distance relationships rarely–if at all it does, work.

I confided my dilemma on how to tell my partner that next year I will definitely go back to Manila to pursue my own Master’s degree. I will be in Manila for at least 14 months and truthfully, I’m not sure if I want to go back to Cambodia after my studies. I’m kind of eyeing Vietnam or Laos as my next base. When I thought on this last year, I knew that K would be very much willing to come with me to Manila. I can take him with me but what will he do there? His English is not that good and his skills are not a rarity in Manila’s NGO scene. He can take some courses or even study full time, like me. What complicates matters is the fact that K is also his family’s breadwinner; what will happen to his family then? 

I did not tell them that as of the moment telling K this is the least of my problems. I mean, he and I haven’t spoken to each other for more than a month now, because of a petty argument we had. Could this be fate’s way of working things out between K and me? I hope not. That kind of ending is unacceptable to me.

As our conversation wound down we realized the complexity of our present relationships and entanglements. Getting into a relationship with someone from a different nationality certainly has its own inherent complications; then add the fact that these are same-sex relationships, with its own set of peculiarities–all on top of the fundamental dynamics of your average relationships! Just typing this sentence made me catch my breath.

And yet, bewildered, resigned, and malcontent as the 3 of us may have seemed, we remain in whatever kind or degree or variation of a relationship. R’s relationship had probably become a stable, regular thing that he’s now confounded with this situation, however mundane it must be for others (not me). Y’s non-relationships with these 2 women that she obviously cares for is, on the surface, a logical means to avoid complications. I will not dare fathom the depth of Y’s heart. My present situation with K allows me to imagine a life without him (again). 

Because, I think, no matter how much I open myself to others, no matter how many people I allow to touch my heart and hold it close to theirs, in the end, my heart belongs to no one but me.