The power of goodbye

Today, as I say good-bye to the month of March, I am also bidding farewell to a few things in my life. This has been brewing for a few months now–this wave of change that has been lapping at the shores of my life. I tried to ignore and postpone the inevitable but I guess, like water, the changes that I am going through cannot be stopped completely. I can only build dikes and canals that will re-direct them or build a dam to try and stem its flow. But they will happen. Like water, change can not be stopped. I used to be so excited with changes. Now, a bit of that excitement remains, but it is also accompanied by terror. 

It could be because some of these changes are more welcome than others.

I am saying goodbye to a few elements in my lifestyle. When I got sick for two weeks at the start of March, it was a real wake up call for me. After all, I didn’t get gallstones by being passive. It was because of the way I ate. And when I got my temporary diagnosis (because I tested ‘weakly positive’ only–requiring another test in 3 months to confirm or refute this result) on hepatitis, I decided that I couldn’t really ignore the signals being made by my body and be healthier than I really am.

Since getting sick, I hadn’t drunk any alcoholic drink (now I have 2 idle bottles of vodka on my cupboard), eaten any pork and beef, and fastfood products (and KFC just opened its first store in Phnom Penh). I eat only fish, skinless chicken, and vegetables. When I cook (fry or sautee) I only use 1-2 tablesspoons of canola or olive oil. I eat small, frequent meals. I try to sleep and rise early. Since getting sick I had lost about 10 kilos. I can imagine how much I’d lose if I went and did some exercise. That’s next in my agenda.

I am saying goodbye to unemployment. The saying ’strike while the iron is hot’ rings true for freelance workers like me. But I never really gave it much thought, especially since coming here to Cambodia in 2004, I have never really been wanting of projects to do. But in mid-2007, my well seemed to have dried up. And it didn’t happen suddenly. Projects that I’d been doing got delayed (due to reasons not purely of my own doing). By the end of October, I found myself suddenly idle. I was unfazed, because I figured, I could live off my savings for a few months. I told others I was on a break from work. By December I had 3 projects lined up, to take place between the months of December and February 2008.

But one by one, each project did not materialize. The first project has been awarded to me but the client took a long time processing the contract that the deadline for the funder support passed. I was the frontrunner candidate for the second project but I refused it when I learned that the fee they were offering was just a third of my normal rate, non-negotiable, and came with no other perks. The third project got cancelled because the NGO’s funding for the activity wasn’t available. My savings began to dwindle. I worried about bills I had to pay (which my mother was paying for in Manila–but of course I needed to pay her back!). This lack of work continued until the middle of March. I am so relieved (and so eager to go back to the grind) to have found not one, but two projects to do that will occupy me until the first two weeks of July. 

I am saying goodbye to a relationship that was no longer making me happy. In mid-January, while recuperating from an episode of flu, Kimrun and I had a petty argument–actually he was the only one arguing, I was too sick to argue. Since then he had refused to talk to me. And I just got tired of trying. To my mild amazement, I found myself no longer caring if he didn’t talk to me again. Probably because he did the same thing when we first broke up in 2005 (before getting back together a year later). But I can’t deny that I was just probably waiting for this spark to light the fire of our relationship’s end.

For months now I’d felt that our relationship had somehow reached a plateau that we couldn’t seem to get out of. He was too busy with his work and family affairs that seeing him almost became like trying to set an appointment with a very famous masseuse, or the Pope. I was also very busy with the things that were happening in my life: problems with my own work, a social life that got out of control because I mixed with the ‘wrong’ crowd, and later, my health. We had been unable to do the things we used to do: drive around the city on his motorbike, dine out in our favorite restaurants, basically spend time with each other.

Much as I detest this ambiguous ending, at least for me, things are already clear. 

I am saying goodbye to this flat which has been my home for 3 years. When Kimrun and I first broke up in 2005, I couldn’t stand to be in my old flat because it reeked of his memory. So much so that I decided to move out to keep my sanity. Now, however, my reasons are more practical than romantic. On May my friend Ted is moving to Manila for a year and the flat he is sharing with Vic, another friend, will be half-empty. Because of my recent career (and financial) crisis I was thinking of downsizing my monthly expenses (I’m also trying to save for my post-grad studies in 2009) and the solution would be to share an apartment with someone, a friend preferably. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect.

I have only one month to stay in this flat, which had been my private sanctuary for the last 3 years. Many memories here–both happy and miserable. I’d made a few changes in the flat, especially in the living room. I will miss my verandah most of all: where I have breakfast in the mornings and where I sit people watching late in the afternoon. Now I’m in the process of doing an inventory of things I need to dispose of before my move: some furniture, some appliances, and some other stuff have to go because I am moving to another furnished apartment. This move excites me most of all.

Mahatma Gandhi said, ‘You must be the change you want to see in the world’. I have never been more appreciative of its meaning than now. Living by example is probably one of the most difficult things to do, but its reward, I imagine, is priceless. Madonna, in her song that is the title of this post, said, ‘There’s no greater power than the power of goodbye’. Saying goodbye helps you deal with the past, and allows you to look forward to the future. The very essence, in my opinion, of experiencing and embracing change.