Makes me wonder

People I know are taking that proverbial plunge into married life this month. One couple had actually commenced their commitment ceremony just this past week while another will marry in about 10 days. In both cases I know the grooms. The first groom is unabashedly gay, while the other is not (only because we haven’t really discussed it).

Weddings have always fascinated me: the ceremony, the pageantry, the costumes, the food, and as I discovered in recent years, the possibility of finding sex among the guests. It must be the pheromones running rampant in the event. All that sexual energy. But I digress. Weddings have fascinated me also because I have often wondered why people would put themselves through the whole thing. I think it calls for a lot of courage and blind faith for someone to marry another. They have my respect. And my huge sense of wonderment.

Before you dismiss my opinion because it comes from a gay man who’s got a slim chance of getting legally married in his home country, let me say that this opinion was not borne of my being gay. I think, even if I were not gay, marriage wouldn’t still be something I would enter into. At least, not for the reasons that people profess for getting into it. Reasons like, you know, love, commitment, the will of God, among others.

I mean, historically, marriages were performed for economic and political reasons: the consolidation of resources and properties, the merging of tribes and formation of alliances between societies. During the early periods of Christianity, marriage was regarded primarily as a private matter; the State and the Church were not involved at all. It was only after the Council of Trent in 1545 that a priest became a requirement for marriage to be “recognized”. In Protestant countries, the state took a stake in matrimony, in terms of registering and setting the rules for marriage. Same-sex marriages were first recorded in the Roman empire before being declared illegal in the year 342 by a Christian emperor.

How marriage evolved into its present form is in itself an interesting lesson in history, one that I will not delve into.

Suffice it to say, my views on marriage are both pragmatic and transactional. There are many other things to consider other than feelings for the other person, the viability of the union, etc. I mean, if we strip down marriage to its basic elements, it is a business agreement. You have contractual obligations and deliverables, both tangible (generating income, production of viable children, managing a household, etc.) and not (monogamy, devotion, loyalty, etc.). However, the means of remuneration (being loved, taken care of, shared ownership of properties, etc.) tends to be a bit blurred because this aspect of marriage has been masked and sugar-coated by other institutions like the state and the church (and any religion). 

That being said, one might ask of me… Does this mean I am incapable of feeling love? Of course not. I just think that marrying the person I love will neither intensify nor diminish my feelings for him. Will getting married make me more secure of my partner’s feelings for me? I don’t think so. Just look at the rates of separations & divorces worldwide. Does this mean I am unable to make a commitment? Certainly not. I just think that marriage is not the best and only way I can demonstrate my commitment to a relationship. In my humble opinion, a piece of document (or a marvelous ceremony) is not enough to build trust, loyalty, and devotion between partners.

Now, does this mean I am against same-sex marriage? If I am, then I would have to be against marriage in general, not just same-sex marriage. But I am not. Because like it or not, as an institution, marriage offers and brings social benefits and protection not just for the couple but also for the family. And if the non-gays are able to enjoy these social benefits and protection, why shouldn’t it be extended to gays and lesbians as well?

I may not be the marrying kind, but I firmly believe in social justice and equity. So, I’d like the option to marry to be available to me and to others, gays and non-gays alike. Just in case, you know, I change my mind? (giggle)