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Take a look inside my heart
Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I just wrote a poem, to be posted in my poetry blog later. Suprised that the poem is still about him. My Cambodian ex who, for the second time, has seen fit to leave me in a huff with nary an explanation. That was five months ago. I am okay, I tell myself and others. I have accepted the end of that relationship, this I am sure of. And I’d like to think that I have moved on. But moved on to what? With him gone, I’m now free to do what I want.
But sometimes, freedom can really suck. Big time.
A friend’s relationship has also ended recently and coping with this loss has been a regular subject of our conversations of late. Both of us seem to have been, in a way, duped. If not by our lovers, then by love itself. D likes to think that I am helping her deal with grieving for the end of her relationship and moving on. In truth, she is helping me as much by becoming my sounding board for my own grieving which, much as I’d hate myself for admitting, is not over yet.
I think I am sadder than I appear to be. The reason why I probably didn’t go through what D is going through right now is because I was too busy getting well from my bout with gallstones. After that I got busy with work and other personal matters (spending more time with another friend who was leaving for Mongolia, moving to a new flat, among others). And now that the proverbial dust has begun to settle around me (though I am certain this calm will not last long), I am suddenly becoming aware again of feelings that I had managed to ignore in the past months.
It’s an unwelcome feeling. But one that needs to be addressed as soon as possible.
So where am I now? Single (alone) and free (meandering) to do whatever (whoever) I want, relying on friends (one-night-stands & other coping mechanisms) for company (sex) and emotional support (validation).
It’s not the best deal, but it will do for now. My heart complains. As I am getting older I find that my heart is increasingly becoming difficult to please. As opposed to my mind, who’s becoming more open to compromises. This dissonance, perhaps, brings a possible explanation to my feelings. I am sad, not depressed. Lonely, but not miserable. As I had written in a previous post, my heart was broken but was not crushed. H, another friend, told me that I still have feelings for him. This is something no one has told me before. H has seen how I had fawned over a guy we both know. And yet, that blunt pronouncement.
I saw no point in denying. True, I still have feelings for him. We had such good times, after all. And besides, I have always believed that feelings are not like faucets that you can stop completely by turning the tap. Takes a while for it to disappear, if it will at all. The best one can hope for is for the feelings to dissipate enough that you don’t hurt when memories about the person are brought up by the mind. That, to me, is a more proper indicator of ‘moving on’.
That being said, I will again admit that I have not categorically, and irrevocably, moved on. Two months ago I wrote of days and nights merging into each other, automatically performing tasks that mimic life and living, and pushing memories towards the back of the mind. Unhappy circumstances and undertakings for sure. But I’ve gone through them all, without anybody knowing.
Perhaps, until now.
Bars of sunlight begin to fall through the sole window of my room. Pale darkness permeates everything. My rebound boy begins to stir on the bed, his long legs kicking the covers away. He greets me a good morning, his tone surprisingly shy. Yawning and stretching, he is quite a sight to behold. I think of what we should have for breakfast.
Or before that.
Previous Comments
jusme, muntik akong maiyak sa post na to, i swear.
mega naka-relate akez.
ang galing mo talaga, pareh.
*pareh daw oh!
Posted by girard at June 22, 2008, 7:52 pmjoms & girard: it warms my heart that you’ve been touched by this. it sweeps some of the clouds away, showing me a bit of sky…
“if and when on a summer’s day” was as much for you as it was for me… there’s no such thing as total moving on; memories make sure of that. the kirot sometimes still come with the remembering.
Posted by joy oh at June 23, 2008, 2:45 ami don’t know what to say… i suddenly found my eyes clouding with tears as i came to the end of the blog. and i stopped those tears realizing that i am in the office… its good that i have a really bad flu so i can just say that the almost tears were due to my runny nose. hahahahaha!
this is a revelation because i remembered talking about this way back… april yata and you sounded so calm and reassuring that you are okay… i’m sorry that i am so into my own grief and sadness and troubles that i overlooked yours… we can do this…
mz joy: yeah, memories can be cruel like that.
daden: no worries, please… i’m fundamentally okay… i was just, you know–to quote you–blowing off steam
my dear (this goes out to you & D)
it’s ok to be sad. we all have our heartbreaks and pains. cry as much as you want and without you knowing it, you’re over that phase. one good thing about pain is that you’ll appreciate more the people you’re with and you get so much realizations which will make you better. i can’t wait to have coffee with you guys and we’ll be laughing at how crazy the two of you were… and i know it won’t be long. if it takes longer then fine! let’s just have coffee, alright?
“But sometimes, freedom can really suck. Big time.” I say: amen. Minsan malungkot rin ang mag-isa. Pero kapag nasa relasyon ka naman, lalo na kung mala soap opera ang mga drama nyo sa buhay, gusto mong mag-isa na lang.
Meanwhile, naloka ako sa post na ito, may feelings ka pa pala kay ex! Kaloka!
Posted by gibo at June 23, 2008, 7:02 pmAll comments are moderated. Your comments will not appear here unless approved by the blog owner. Thank you.











Every sentence permeates with a dust of sadness. Your entry reminds me of cold sunsets, where the sun doesn’t set on the horizon but hide behind dark clouds.
Posted by Joms at June 22, 2008, 4:55 pm