The sweetest taboo

Last Friday H joined me for lunch at home. I told him we should have dinner before he leaves for Manila on the 26th of June, to join his partner T, who had already gone more than a month ago. I asked him if he is ready for his one-year sojourn into Filipino life, ‘in the name of love’ (the italics are all mine). Like a bride experiencing a bit of cold feet tinged with a little stage fright, H said he’s feeling apprehensive about this trip.

I assured him that he’d like Manila. After all, he’d been there twice before already. ‘But this is different,’ he countered. ‘I was on holiday on my previous trips; I’m going to live there for a year at least.’ I told him what he’s feeling is just normal. ‘Just think of how T must have felt when he first came to Cambodia. Even I felt that way. And if we were able to adjust to life in a foreign country, so can you.’

We went back to planning his send-off dinner: when & where we’ll have it, who’s going to be invited, etc. Soon we were just eating. He must have noticed me fidgeting so he asked me if I wanted to tell him anything.

I didn’t want to, actually. I was never the kiss-and-tell type. But the information I was keeping was too delicious to be kept to myself. ‘I’m doing something naughty,’ I finally said. Smiling, he asked what it was. And I told him about my rebound boy, whom he vaguely knows. But when I told H that my rebound boy is about to be married in less than a week, I noticed that his smile faltered. Just a bit, but it faltered nonetheless.

I asked him why. ‘You can’t do that. You’re ruining the girl’s life.’ It wasn’t the reaction I was expecting from H, but not really a surprising reaction from a Cambodian, with their deep sense of modesty. Of course, this sense of modesty is also often predicated by actual actions in the bedroom. To stop the discussion from going to directions I am not ready to pursue, I told H that whatever is going on with rebound boy and I, it will stop as soon as he becomes officially married.

Good luck with that.

Like many gay men I know, married men exude a certain allure & attraction to me. I started becoming aware of this in my early twenties, when I felt strong attraction towards guys in their mid-40s, preferably married (although when I was 12 years old, I seduced a 37 year-old guy, but this is a totally different story). I’ve had sex with a number of them, yes, but there was never a relationship. Unlike many of gay guys who feel guilty about bedding a married man, I was never bothered by it. I mean, I’m not the one who’s cheating on his wife, so why should I feel guilty (even if the guy is cheating with me)? But nevertheless I didn’t enter a relationship with a married man even if the opportunity presented itself many times in my youth.

I didn’t see the point of doing so. Although having sexual relationships with a married man does have its inherent ‘naughty’ appeal (seducing a married man takes great skills and success brings a huge ego boost), playing second fiddle was, still is, not my thing. And that myth about married men much being better in bed? Most of the time it’s just that: a myth.

In any case, my attraction to married men reached its peak in my mid-20s then faded altogether. I was already here in Phnom Penh when I got involved with a married guy (and I only found out that he’s married months after meeting him). Up to now, this guy (chronicled in my past articles here) and I meet occasionally for some good ol’ shag. 

Now, how do I feel about guys with boyfriends (cue sound of snakes hissing)? Strange as it may seem, bedding a guy who has a boyfriend is something I try very hard not to do (I slipped only once in my whole gay life). I don’t clearly know why I seem to give more respect to the sanctity of a gay relationship over that of a married man & woman. I’ve always felt this way for as long as I can remember. 

Still, I don’t know where this thing with rebound boy will take me. There is that huge possibility that he’d probably want nothing to do with me (and gay sex) after the wedding. I wouldn’t mind that at all. He is about to surpass the normal shelf life of a rebound boy anyway. If we become friends, I think it’d be the best outcome of our short entanglement.

But will I be able to face his wife? To answer this I will quote Shirley Maclaine when she was asked how she will manage if Madonna became her sister-in-law (Madonna was dating her younger brother Warren Beaty that time). Ms Maclaine replied icily, “As easy as flinging a pie to the wall.”