I’m coming out

During my first year in high school, as I was thrust into this bigger world of bigger boys and girls who seemed to smell fear from great distances, the school library became a refuge; a sanctuary where I could be safe from prying eyes and enjoy escaping to other worlds through reading.

I didn’t really grow up reading books for children. One of the first things I learned to read was the comics section of newspapers and eventually, the ubiquitous komiks. I have an aunt, who was really just 6 years older than me, who liked to read komiks a lot, especially the ones with horror stories. I read these stories with great pleasure. The closest to children’s books that I read were the Choose-your-own-adventure Book Series and some Hardy Boys books, which I borrowed from a neighbor.

So it was in these many trips to our school library that I got familiar with books for children. At that age, however, I viewed myself as too ‘advanced’ to be reading children’s books so I just browsed through the books to enjoy the colorful illustrations. This was how I discovered Maurice Sendak. I saw a cover of a horned, furry creature sitting amid what-looked-like tropical trees.

I didn’t bother with the text of Where The Wild Things Are. The illustrations were lush, sometimes grotesque, just the way I liked it. I looked for other titles by Mr. Sendak but found just one, which showed a boy playing in the kitchen at night, naked.

How shocking, I thought, to show a naked boy in a book supposedly for children. But the more I looked at the pictures, the more I saw the innocence, and the joy of the character. But like the first book, I didn’t bother reading the text of In The Night Kitchen. Now I wish I did.

A few days ago, while googling for stories I can post on the e-group that I’m moderating, I came across a story of an interview with Maurice Sendak, in which he non-chalantly admitted that he is, in fact, gay. The 80-year-old author sat in an interview for The New York Times to discuss a benefit that celebrated his career. When asked if there is anything he’d never before been asked, he reportedly paused before saying, “Well, that I’m gay.”

I googled Maurice Sendak and found out that even though his books gained international acclaim, these also caused controversy. His attraction to forbidden and nightmarish aspects of children’s fantasy apparently caused this. In fact, In The Night Kitchen was listed number 25 by the American Library’s Association of ‘100 Most Frequently Challenged Books’. I wonder what his books were doing in my Catholic school library.

I would have loved to read Mr. Sendak’s books, late as it may seem now. I didn’t outgrow my fascination for horror/fantasy/science fiction stories. This interest extended to films and TV series. I remember reading an article about one of my favorite genre authors, Clive Barker (who also happens to be gay). He was, if i remember correctly, elaborating on how horror and fantasy thrive on the forbidden, on the things that were relegated to the fringes of civilized society. Looking back now, Mr. Barker might as well be talking about himself (as a gay man) and the marginalized–those who defy the norms and exist under the radar, so to speak. In Maurice Sendak’s time, it most certainly included gays and lesbians.

Mr. Sendak also told the Times that he never came out to see his parents-something that he now regrets. He says he kept quiet about being gay because the idea of a gay man writing children’s books would have killed his career early on. On the heels of this interview, the gay website Out.com extended a thanks to Sendak for “deciding at 80 years young there was no point in waiting around any longer to be asked.”

Indeed. better late than never.

Note to self, file under my wish-list: I got to find this book.