Girls & boys

This morning, in the plenary session of the second day of the 3rd National AIDS Conference in Cambodia, the national strategic framework for addressing HIV among males-who-have-sex-with-males–or MSM, was presented. It was placed smack in the middle of the 17 presentations in the session, which presented the various strategic plans of the other ministries. Because of the sheer number of presentations, there was only time for 3 questions in the forum that followed.

One of the questions inquired why lesbians were excluded in all the plans and frameworks. There was an almost palpable rumble in the room as the audience reacted to the question. Because it was asked in Khmer, the translation I got was ‘lady-to-lady’. A representative of the government said that there were reasons for this. One, there was no statistical data on the ‘exact’ number of lesbians in Cambodia; very little data, in fact, about them. Two, their sexual activities were not considered high risk, as compared to MSM who ’sleep with both men and women’.

More nervous laughter from the audience. Vic and I looked at each other and almost collectively rolled our eyes. That question could have answered in a better way. After all, there have been (few, but there are) studies around the world done on the vulnerabilities of lesbians to HIV. While it is true that their risk for HIV transmission is lower compared to those who have sex using a penis, there is still risk. Besides, in a country like Cambodia, where lesbians are more ‘hidden’ than gay men, the risks are different. Like their gay counterparts, I would think that many Cambodian lesbians are married. Spousal transmission of HIV is a big issue in Cambodia, accounting for a considerable share of new transmissions since the prevalence among the first-to-be-identified risk groups began declining. Meanwhile, Cambodian women in general are vulnerable to violence, specifically rape.

However, my point isn’t really about HIV transmission. I am more piqued by the attitude towards non-heterosexuals. Like Filipinos, Cambodians like to smile and laugh, especially at things that they do not really understand and accept. The nervous laughter from the audience–who are supposed to know better about gender and sexuality than other Cambodians because of their involvement in AIDS work, tells me that not much has changed in their attitudes. Even the interpreter demonstrated this ‘discomfort’ because everytime males-who-have-sex-with-males is mentioned, his translation becomes a series of aahs, that made me think, ‘that’s how a water buffalo would sound if it were stuttering’.

I can only imagine how this same audience would react if they’d seen Venus Boyz (Gabriel Baur, 2001). Vic and I saw this film at Meta House, a gallery/cafe here in Phnom Penh that shows arthouse films and documentaries regularly. Vic had thought that this film was about drag queens but we were surprised to see that it was about drag kings instead. A little vocabulary lesson: a drag queen is a man/male who dresses as a woman either on a performance or on a daily basis. A drag king, meanwhile, is a woman/female who dresses as a man either on a performance or on a daily basis.

The film chronicles the participants in a ‘drag king night’ in a New York club. One of them is Haitian-American Mildred or ‘Dred’ Gerestant, who became friends with a drag queen aptly called ‘Queen Bee Luscious’ after he tried to pick her up.

Another is Dianne Torr, a drag king long before it became trendy, who raises a 16-year-old daughter. She is pictured below, with his drag-kings-in-waiting (and training).

Then there’s Storm Webber, a poet and a singer, with native American ancestry.

From Germany there is Bridge Markland, who uses her name to describe her position in the sexuality continuum (if ever there was one). And from London there is Del LaGrace Volcano who, with a group of transgendered females, sometimes call herself ‘cyborg’ because they are experimenting with testosterone injections to alter their bodies.

The documentary unfolds slowly, but it is riveting nonetheless. There’s a lot of stuff for those who are looking for the exotic and the ‘freakish’ (I mean this in the best way possible), enough to confuse and confound not just the hapless Cambodians with their modest and reserved ways but also some gay men. But the most poignant aspects of the film to me are those that show universal feelings and issues on love, affection, relationships, sexual appetites, etc. 

I particularly liked the bit of story between Storme Webber and Dred, who tried to date each other until they figured out ‘who they were supposed to be to each other’. That they were not supposed to be lovers. When they recognized this fact, their relationship got so much better. Storme said they fought a lot when they were dating. Now who can say that they never felt this way, regardless of sexual preference/orientation/identity?

It made me think of Blur’s ‘Girls & Boys’ whose chorus went like this: ‘Girls who are boys / Who like boys to be girls / Who do boys like they’re girls / Who do girls like they’re boys / Always should be someone you really love’ (Hence, the title of this post).

After watching the film, as we were having a late dinner of Vietnamese noodles and spring rolls, Vic and I talked about the things that we thought of after watching this film. The complexity of gender (Vic remembered the line, ‘Gender is a performance’.), the effects of stereotyping, the real differences between females and males, etc. There was a lot of discussion on what goes in their minds when they ‘perform’ as drag kings. The shows themselves demonstrate that there’s a lot of thinking that went into each action, each element of the performance.

I thought, this is so unlike when men do drag. While I was doing drag shows with my friends, if I got asked why I did it, I would have just answered, ‘Wala lang’ (no particular reason). Imagine what kind of film would that response have made (pretty boring and so kainez [annoying]!).

Sure, we (my friends and I, not all drag queens) thought of what to wear, what make-up to use, what music to play, and what to do to enhance the production but did we think of the social and philosophical implications and ramifications of our actions? I don’t think so.

I hope to find this DVD in my friendly neighborhood (pirated) DVD store.

You on my mind

I’ve been back in Phnom Penh for 17 days and frankly speaking, a huge portion of my mind is still in Manila. It’s not that I’m homesick. I think it has something to do with what happened to me in Manila that it is still on my mind up to now. Getting sick was bad. Having my family beside me during that time was good. To help me deal with this feeling (whatever this is), I work (my usual coping mechanism), decorate my room, entertain friends, and reminisce by looking at old photos.

Not really an old photo. Someone sent me a link to render my face into manga. Tried it and I’m not sure if the result resembles me. I think I only got the eyebrows right. There was no option for my rotund body. Are there no overweight characters in manga/anime?

This too isn’t an old photo, this was just taken the other Sunday. I had lunch at a friend’s house to celebrate the birthday of Tita Purit, one of my ‘classmates’ at church. Had a happy time, though I miss the cheerful lady who used to do the hosting in this ‘joyful’ home.

This was taken a few days before I went to Manila last July. These two ladies are my partners in doing the rounds of coffee shops here in Phnom Penh. We make it a point to see each other at least once a week to have coffee and gossip. Since coming back, one venue has been added to our itinerary: Qba in Hotel Cambodiana. What can I say? Every fag should have his own hag. I’m lucky to have two!

Speaking of fags, here is another group whom I regularly see for dinners and some fun night-outs. As an old friend once said, just because someone you meet is also gay doesn’t mean that you’re going to be friends. Very true. But I am glad they have become (and still are!) my friends.

When one attends seminars and conferences, one meets people and sometimes friendships are formed. But once said seminar or conference is over, it is very difficult to keep in touch and remain friends. I met these fabulous creatures in Hanoi, Vietnam in 2006. And I’m happy that we have kept in touch, even if we haven’t seen each other.

Another group of friends I met in Surabaya, Indonesia in 2006. We have also kept in touch, even managing to see each other in other locations like Chiang Mai, Thailand and Hyderabad, India.

Ted is the first Filipino (gay) friend I made in Cambodia back in 2004. Aleks, meanwhile, introduced me to my ‘inner diva’. Both of them are in the Philippines now. Their absence has lessened the gay quotient of Phnom Penh immensely.

Give me a reason

Late last Wednesday night, having nothing much better to do, I worked on my Facebook profile. I edited the information on my profile, responded to requests, sent some of my own, and uploaded some photos to fatten my photo album. The oldest photos that I uploaded were taken in 2006, when I had the good fortune to have been able to go to Hanoi, Surabaya, Bali, Kuala Lumpur, New Delhi, and Agra.

A few minutes later, an email alert led me to my yahoo mailbox, where this email was waiting for me, from one of my friends in Malaysia. This was her exact message:

URGENT! Please delete the picture in Hanoi immediately. This is what I have been afraid of you. I am sorry for what I have to do to protect myself.

To which I wrote back, without thinking much, I must admit, “Excuse me? What are you talking about?”

My friend reacted to one photo, which I will not show here anymore (but if you want to see it, click this LINK), probably because of the caption (Hanoi LGBT) so I changed it to ‘Hanoi friends’. The next day she sent this message in response to my email:

Sorry about the other night. I was too shocked and overreacted. Just that I think the pictures taken in your hotel room in Hanoi were not appropriate for public display. If I could remember correctly, we were marking (sic) around in your room that right (sic) and in front of the camera, it was a very private and personal event. therefore i never thought and did not expect you would have re-present that moment or the photo to the public without getting our informed consent.

This puzzled me primarily because in my opinion, there was absolutely nothing in that photo that made it ‘inappropriate’ for public display. It showed a group of friends posing on a hotel bed, clearly having fun. Big deal, I thought. However, I was deeply bothered by a statement in her first email, so when I responded to her second email, I wrote this:

I understand where your reaction is coming from. However, I was deeply offended by your statement, ‘this is what i have been afraid of you’. What does this mean exactly? Am I some kind of vulgar threat to your public image? You can say that you were shocked when you wrote this but I think this is not a stray thought. Obviously this has been in your mind all along.

I ended this email by apologizing to her if the presence of the photo offended her but I added that I will not remove it. To which she responded:

Mike, this show (sic) how much respect you have for ‘friends.’ 

I wasn’t liking the direction where our conversation was heading, but I found myself unable to resist not responding with this:

Now look who is showing disrespect… honestly, you should just lighten up. There are more important things to do in life than gripe about a photo. A photo that, I’d like to point out again, is not even remotely inappropriate. This is just too silly… you made your point. And like I said, I understand your reaction. I may completely disagree with your point but I accept and understand it nonetheless. I have even apologized for offending you (as opposed to you completely ignoring my request for explanation on your remark, which deeply offended me)… this is what ‘friends’ do.

She responded by explaining some other point (that I did not include) but the end of her email caused me deep thought:

But too many bad experiences in Malaysia, not me alone, had made us to be cautious in what we do. Perhaps the worst of it is to learn about fear in a hard way.

I have always known that my friend had, still has, in fact, some hang-ups about her sexuality. I mean, much as she’d like to, she can’t express herself freely because she is constrained by her own culture and context: being a woman, being Chinese, being lesbian, etc. But it seems that I had ignored an important circle that has a significant impact on her life: her country and the policies of its government.

When you have a government that tries to disgrace its opponents through trumped-up charges of ‘deviant sexual behavior’, this just plays to the prejudices of people in general against marginalized groups of people such as gays and lesbians, even women. And when these biases are stoked, who wouldn’t feel fear in the face of all this vitriol and hatred from the so-called ‘general population’?

This is what repression ultimately does to people. 

However, in spite of this new understanding of how my dear friend must have felt when she saw herself in one of the photos in my profile, her failure to address my request for an explanation of her offending remark prevents me from doing what she asked.

Besides, I really think it’s such a great photo.