Dear lie

Dear Lie - TLC

I am not a good judge of character. For many years I believed this to be true. In the last 8 years or so I’ve come to trust my intuition when it comes to people around me. When I meet a person for the first time, I sometimes get these ‘feelings’ that I’ve come to rely upon whether to continue interacting with this person or not. When I’m with a person, I am also sometimes able to sense whether this person is being truthful or just pulling my leg.

Events in the last 12 months have caused me to question the reliability of (and my confidence on) this intuition. Becoming friends with the wrong kind of people have resulted in betrayal and deception that brought me distress and pain. I had hoped for the end of this kind of experience by becoming more cautious of the people I associate with. But, as it is turning out now, I had hoped for too much.

Another friend, whom I have known for more than 2 years here in Cambodia and have come to trust, apparently has a side that was completely hidden from me. One that lies, cheats, and will do anything to sustain a lifestyle that is clearly beyond what s/he is earning.

Since Wednesday I have been wracked with these feelings about the things that I have been discovering about this friend of mine. I am literally in a state of shock. Astounded to realize what s/he is apparently capable of: spinning tales, self-aggrandizement, borrowing money from various people to pay up past debts, and maligning siblings and relatives just to appear the suffering hero to friends, among others.

I can’t stand it. I won’t.

This friend has not done anything to me that comes close to what has been done to other people. We have had mishaps and I have given this friend a piece of my mind about what s/he has done to me. I mean, after the deception and betrayal of MS and DR, it would really be pathetic if I didn’t learn anything from these experiences. But why do I need to wait for something bad to happen to me? My gut tells me to just end my association with this person.

But this is a very painful decision to make. A huge part of me wants to help this person while another knows that pathological liars (if this person is indeed one) seldom change. Pathological lying is also a symptom of being a sociopath, which is a much deeper problem, I think.

If I seem sanctimonious, it is not intentional. I am not perfect, so who am I to judge? I have gone through a phase in my life when my lying got so out of control it hurt me and my parents. I like to think that I have turned over a new leaf. I have discovered the simple yet lasting pleasures of being honest and truthful and have decided to embody it. Until now, honesty is something I work very hard to attain, and maintain. Like a recovering addict, the compunction to lie is something I still fight and struggle against.

If I can do it, I’m sure others can also. But I don’t have the energy and the time to make others do what I have done. Call me self-absorbed and self-centered. See if I care.

This afternoon, another friend and I were chatting. I had to tell someone what I had learned to unload some of the distress that I’d been feeling in the last 2 days. She is similarly shocked, because she knows this friend as well. Towards the end of our chat she blurted out, ‘Why are you so close with this kind of people?’ Perfectly without malice, I honestly think, but I was somehow offended by the question.

The saying ‘birds of the same feather flock together’ came to mind. I gave a somewhat flippant and funny response on deeds done in my past lives and karma and this thread in our conversation was cut to give way to other topics. But it got me thinking. This is probably another reason why I’m upset with all these goings-on. When the thing with MS and DR happened, part of my distress was due to the embarrassment and shame of having friends of this nature, of not being able to see through their deception until it was too late.

Kind of like a rape or mugging victim who is wondering what could s/he have done to invite such violation of self. Now I’m having similar feelings. What kind of fool am I? I seem to attract and be surrounded by unsavory characters. What does this say about me? Call me narcissistic. I don’t care.

I don’t know how things will turn out for me and this friend. I am afraid to imagine and speculate. But however it ends, I hope it ends well for both of us.

Here I go again, hoping.