Absolute uncertainty

Balag

Mula sa bulaklak, bunga’y nabubuo.

Sa mumunting ugat, puno’y tumutubo.

Sa ligaw na buto, halama’y uusbong.

Sa iisang dahon, lilim ay yayabong.

Di naman bulaklak, hindi rin bunga.

Ugat na umalsa, punong di pa kaya.

Butong nabiyak na, halamang ‘tinangi.

Dahong papalago, ngunit nanaghili.

Dahil sa ‘yong ngiti, dibdib ay tumahip.

Nahagip ang titig, hininga’y numipis.

Narinig ang boses, isip ay lumipad.

Sa iisang dantay, damdami’y nalantad.

Alinlangang ngiti, kahulugang tago.

Titig na ‘kinubli, pagsuyo kong dungo.

Salitang di sumpa, pinanghahawakan.

Atubiling dantay ang s’yang katunayan.

Bungang nakabitin, kinalong ng hangin.

Binusog sa araw, lupa ang tanawin.

Di ka mangingibig, di rin kaibigan:

Dahil alanganin, ako na’ng lumisan.

maynila, 2003 

Wild boys

Running  Wild

after “Lord of the Flies”

We should’ve painted our faces red

With blood from slashed throats,

Torn our clothes into ragged pieces

To cover our cocks, vestigial images

Of manhood reduced to its basic

Constituents, dashing madly, guilt-free,

We should’ve chipped stones sharp,

Made spears, hunted and shouted,

“Get it! Down with that beast!”

Till our throats are pulped but we didn’t.

Who’s the beast, who makes us bleed

Like we’ve never bled before, who bites

More than he can chew, who tears

Flesh and bone more fiercely than any

Of us but us? In this jungle of nylon

Shirts, tight pants, pampered biceps,

Full boxers, no claw is sharper than

The white teeth gleaming from drunken

Grins, no jaw is wider than the maw

Of asses awaiting wicked invasions

Shrouded in latex. The beach is littered

With dead bodies: skinned, hung out to dry,

Fucked, cut into bite-sized pieces to suit

The most discriminating tongue, awaiting

The ship of rescuing sailors armed with

Blackberrys and iPods, wide-eyed survivors

Staring at the sun, dreaming of coconuts

And bile, Engineered Jeans and KY Jelly,

Ready to leave their memories of skins,

Flush out the weak and ugly to be slaughtered,

Splurge on blood and come while staring at

Hello Kitty’s severed head stuck on a stick.

manila, 2003 ; updated 2007

Appetites

Luto ng Diyos

Igisa mo ang libog

Sa kaunting pagtangi;

Ihalo rin ang lungkot

Pati ang pagkandili.

Pigain ang sigasig

At ang pangungulila

Upang hindi pumait

Ang ligayang hiniwa.

Pakuluin nang minsan.

Pag-ibig ay ops’yonal.

maynila, 2004

Gana I

wala akong sinagot nang tanungin niya ako kung gusto ko rin ba.

hinayaan ko siyang magsalita hanggang ang kanyang boses ay nagmistulang alon ng tunog na humahampas sa dalampasigan ng aking mga tainga. malamig yun, parang tubig sa dagat kapag dapithapon, nanghihila sa magdamag na pagtulog. ngunit mahirap makatulog sa lugar na ito. ang tunog ng banyagang salita na nanunuot sa aking tainga, ang kalansing ng mga kubyertos na kumakayod sa maninipis na platong melaware, ang pinaghalu-halong amoy ng mga pagkain, kultadong usok at pawis ng mga tao, at ang liwanag ng mga puting ilaw sa food court ay sapat upang manatiling mulagat ang aking mga mata at gising ang aking pundidong diwa.

sa kanyang pagbabalik na bitbit ang aming pagkain, wala akong nagawa kundi kunin ang aking kubyertos, ihatag ang aking plato sa kanyang pagsandok ng kanin, at langhapin ang alingasaw ng ginisang burong isda, nilagang minudensya at binanliang gulay. isang tipak ng tube ice ang palutang-lutang sa baso ng iced tea, nagbabanta ng pananabang kung hindi iinumin agad. nang siya'y malingat, tinungga ko ang tsaa hanggang mangalahati ang laman ng baso at dumighay at nagdahilang busog na matapos ang tatlong subo, habang iniisip kung ano ang lulutuing ulam pag-balik sa aking bahay.

phnom penh, 2007 

Physics

The Swing

When you pass the point

Of holding on and letting

Go, let gravity and physics

Take its toll on your body,

Submit to the forces that

Will take you from point A

To B, an upside down arc,

Back to where you started.

When you finally learn to

Trust the hands at rest on

The center of your back,

Let him push only in the

Direction you’d want to be

Pushed; then let him take

You when the same forces

Hurl you right back at him.

Life is a never-ending flow

Of forces and energy, and

It is easier to let nature take

Its course, let events unfold

As they should; and while love

Can feel like it is not what we

Found, often we find in others

What we had lost in ourselves.

manila 2001 

States of desire

Barefoot

1

and shoeless,

my foot-skin tingles

against every

grain of

sand—

little finger tips

of time.

2

inside the temple,

love insinuates itself

between my flesh

and skin.

love—

a ribbon of smoke from an incense stick

the scent of flowers strewn in the fountain

a stone elephant’s cheek against my feet

the bittersweet taste of people’s faith

my whisper reverberating inside the dome,

mind expanding with an unknown source.

colombo, 2002

My first sestina

Siste ng Lasing

Pinuno ko ang baso,

Ubos, laman ng bote.

Pinunasan ang pawis

Pati ang aking bibig;

Dumighay, tinantiya

Ang pagbugso ng suka.

Pinigil ko ang suka

Dahil puno ang baso.

Tumayo. Tinantiya

Kung ilan na ang boteng

Nainom, kung ang bibig

Ay basa din ng pawis.

Halong laway at pawis,

Salitang naging suka’y

Pinagsarhan ng bibig,

Nilulon pati baso.

Sa paghanap ng bote’y

Nanimbang. Tinantiya…

Ang daming tinantiya!

Ga-munggo na ang pawis

May laman pa ang bote.

Labas tuloy ang suka.

Umapaw pa ang baso

Gaya ng aking bibig.

Kadiri na ang bibig:

Umurong, tinantiya

Ang paghalik. Sa baso

Bali ang tingin. Pawis

Ay matamis. Ang suka

Ay sarsang nasa bote.

Sinilip ko ang bote.

Pinaglapit ang bibig

Namin. Ang amoy-sukang

Hininga. Tinantiya

Kung kakatas ang pawis

Pag nakulong sa baso.

Ang suka’y tinantiya

Ng bibig na may pawis.

Ang bote, nitong baso.

maynila, 2003

Love’s casualties

from Laments

One

Once I wondered what

Must be done to capture

The fire that kept your heart

Lit marvelously from within.

Once I tried everything

And failed even to glimpse

Its source—chariot treading

Across the sky, oblivious that

Once there was a man

Who dreamt of love amid

The wars inside our heads;

Echoes bouncing off walls

That knew no faith, no creed,

Glass goblets drained long ago.

Two

I could drown in the vast lake of your eyes.

I would see its glimmering face from afar

The wind would guide me through my dreams

At dawn till my feet feel the wet ribbons

That caress the shore, inviting me with songs

Reminiscent of a nymph’s laughter—

          mesmerizing my senses into submission,

          melting away the last of my resistance.

I would step into the mushy floor, let mud

And silt insinuate themselves between my toes,

Submerging inch after inch of goose-fleshed skin

Into the cold, eyes on the sky yet seeing nothing

Till all seems viewed from under quivering glass:

I have drowned in the vast lake of your eyes.

Three

I am an old house, abandoned long ago,

My walls no longer whisper secrets,

They have shrunk deeper into every grain.

My doors have ceased to conceal dark

Surprises, the joints have been eaten away

By rust and time into stillness, petrifaction.

I am a temple, long closed to the faithful,

My stained glass windows rendered mute,

The tales they told have long been forgotten.

My altar has stopped witnessing God’s

Little miracles, the tabernacle rotten away

To reveal rough-hewn stones, bitterly cold.

I am ethereal, a wisp of reality, ribbons of smoke,

Tired procession, disheartened sigh, my dead faith.

manila, 1998

What loneliness is like

wet/dream

i woke up

from a dream

where he crept

from beneath

the sheets

like some

horror-movie

monster

and fucked me

three times

before cradling

my head in his

curled arms

like some

tender mother

figure

the smell of

sweat on his chest

up my nose

and my shorts

in a clumsy pile

by my feet.

phnom penh, 2007

Dalawang Landas

1

Makipot ang landas tungo sa aking mithi,

Sinsikip ng lupang sinuwag ng binhi:

Sa ganitong hirap, lungkot ma’y sumidhi

Di ko tatalikdan ang dikta ng budhi.

Sapagkat budhi ko’y aking mga mata,

Gabay sa pagkilos saan man mapunta;

Maghirap mang lubos, di matataranta,

Hanggang sa makamtan itong aking sinta.

2

Matinik ang landas tungo sa ‘yong puso,

Sintalim ng ngiting bumanat sa nguso;

Umurong man ako na parang napaso,

Nabihag na ako ng ganda mong tuso.

Hindi makatanggi, wala nang magawa

Upang mapaghilom ang pusong nahiwa;

Nilulong salita’y di na mailuwa,

Di na rin mabawi ang dati kong tuwa.

maynila, 2003

Where one ends, another begins

Razor Burn

Desperate for change,

I finally succumbed

And submitted myself

To the scissors.

Upon my instructions

The barber set to work:

Pure intent and devoid

Of absolution.

Each time the two blades

Meet, a memory of fingers

Combing through my lush

Hair suddenly creeps,

And my throat clenches.

Gone are the hands that

Grasped my head in varied

Degrees of ecstasy,

Along with the lips and teeth

Used to testing its softness.

An electronic wind blows

The strands away

While the barber polishes me

Behind the ears and head:

His strokes heavy yet gentle,

Sending shivers through me.

A cloud of talc envelops me

When the job is done,

Followed by a dab of Old Spice

That almost makes me jump.

“It’s just razor burn,”

He says reassuringly while

Removing the nylon shroud

With a magician’s panache.

The old mirror reflects

The lightness in my head,

The hair reduced to fuzz,

The dome more apparent.

I hope I have shed you

Along with most of my hair,

And this razor burn,

This little pain is all there is

To remember you by.

manila, 1998

Simula

Dito tayo magsisimula:

Sa isang sulyap,

Sa ilang palaboy na salita,

Bulaklak ng diwang

Sabik magpakitang-gilas.

Dito natin sisimulan:

Sa isang dantay

Sa ilang ligaw na haplos,

Apoy sa 'ting pusong

Naghahanap ng katuwang.

phnom penh, 2007